Christmas is Coming, Another Day Down

Christmas is five days away. I finally got the lights on the tree last night...to go with the three (yes, 3) ornaments currently hanging there. It is my fervent hope that all other ornaments currently in our possession will miraculously leap onto the tree and arrange themselves with perfect spacing, but I don't think that will happen. It could be that we are starting a new tradition in not decorating for Christmas until the week of....or it could be that we've just had too much going on otherwise to help it. And that's sad.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday....and not for the reason that it's a holiday at all. But with each December day that passes, I feel like more and more is slipping away from me. I can't cram the season into one or two special days. One of my favorite Christmas memories is of touring the homes on the Fredericksburg Candlelight Tour. I'm not sure they even do that anymore, but I've always wanted to have that experience again.....and I've been meaning to do that for at least 15 years but haven't ever made the time. Didn't take that extra day off from work or say no to other "obligations." I didn't make the time to have my son's portraits taken by my favorite photographer and fantastic friend, Sara Blanco. I didn't send out Christmas cards to people I love. And I was so busy cleaning this weekend that I didn't make the time to bake Christmas cookies with my boy.

I hate that this has become a season of regrets. I want it to be a season of celebration. So please forgive me if I choose to bake with my child tonight instead of wiping down baseboards and cleaning the paw prints from the sliding glass door. If you happen to stop by my house over Christmas and see the piles upon piles of laundry peeking out from my laundry room (and maybe other rooms, as well) just don't say anything. It's not important to me anymore and it shouldn't be important to you, either. I cleaned the kitchen and the bathroom and that's really all that should concern anyone.

I have boxes of Christmas decorations stacked in my entryway, and if they stay there until Christmas Eve, does it really matter? They won't be there when my son wakes up early on Christmas morning and pads down the hallway in his footed pajamas into the living room. They won't be there when I hear him gasp and whisper "Wow!" to himself as he stands in the middle of the room illuminated by the glow of the tree, because I've already been listening for hours. They won't be there when he runs into our bedroom and jumps onto the bed and steps onto and over our bodies and excitedly grabs my face in his little hands and announces that Santa came.

The boxes will not be there on Christmas Day. I promise. Just please don't open any doors....

Me & My Big Mouth

So, that little WOD that I so mockingly made up in yesterday's post and delightfully named "I Hate Everybody" turned out to be more than a little fortuitous. I re-set my alarm this morning after trying to get out of bed the first time and receiving a swift rebuke from my quads that said "Uh, NO ma'am. We refuse." Having mercy on my out-of-shape self, I decided since yesterday was my first day back that I would give myself a break and take a rest day (again, after ONE day back....pansy).

Yeah. So, I wake up and find that Missy has messaged me on Facebook to essentially tell me to keep my big mouth shut next time. (I'm kidding....she said no such thing....except that she had already been to class this morning and mentioned that my name kept running through her head along with some choice cuss words....and I LOVE IT!!!)

And now out of sheer obligation I must go to the 6:15 pm class tonight and pull my pitiful self through this:

1,000 meter run
10 pull-ups
75 squats (SEVENTY FIVE!!!!!!!!!)

3 (Yes, THREE) Rounds for Time

I am very nearly in tears just thinking about it. I tried squatting in my office a few minutes ago, just to have a little better preparedness......bad idea. Yesterday's front squats were not so much the re-acquaintance my legs wanted to make.

But I'ma go. I promised. And I'll probably be the last one finished. So, if ya'll see me struggling while you drive down Blanco this evening, offer up a kind word....maybe just a little shout-out or two. Because I'm already cussing at myself.....

UPDATE: I did it. 34:15, which I'm pretty sure is the third slowest time on the board. It is what it is and at least I didn't skip. Something to improve upon.

Patty Griffin Does Not CrossFit....But I Do and I Love Them Both

I was not completely done with my papers that were due on Monday, but I had tickets to see Shawn Colvin and Patty Griffin in Austin on Sunday night. No way I was going to miss it. I took my books and articles in the car and read while Jason drove until I ran out of daylight sufficient enough to see. I was already so tired. But I had to go.

I'd never been to the Paramount Theatre before. (And I love when it's spelled with the r before the e....so very upscale). It's old and tiny and warm and inviting. Could not have been happier with our seats. We were in the balcony, 3 rows from the railing, yet so close to the stage that I could see the fly-aways in Patty's hair that the straightener failed to tame. I could count the bracelets on her left arm and see the paisley pattern on the rug beneath their chairs and the pick on the small black side table just off to her right.

I had tears in my eyes from the moment Patty strummed the first chord on her guitar and opened her mouth to sing....and you can assume that's because I was beyond the point of physical and mental exhaustion, but you'd be wrong. There's a heartbreak in her voice that can be felt. It makes the hair on your neck stand up and can send chills all the way down to your feet. But running alongside that heartbreak is a comfort, like when mama would sing you to sleep at night.

I had never seen Shawn Colvin live before, but now am a huge fan. She is a phenomenal guitarist and her songwriting is full of thought and pain and ironic humor. She seems like she'd be one of those friends who is painfully honest, but can also make you laugh until your sides hurt.

Part of what I loved most about the show is that they didn't have a predetermined set list. It was kind of like sitting in a living room with two good friends who were catching up and having a nice, long, easy conversation. The show was completely acoustic, with the heels of their boots as their only beat keepers. Stripped down, the raw beauty of their songs and voices shone and moved and kept a quiet peace until each one was finished.

They took turns, back and forth, with Patty so impressed with Shawn's guitar that she used it for her own songs more often than not. (The fact that it was a John Mayer Special Edition by Martin provided for some fantastic and off the cuff remarks by both girls that would later worry Patty about which parts might make their way onto the internet the next day). Their easy banter between songs, when one was trying to decide what to play next, brought some great laughs and kept the mood light and laid back. I could not have been happier if I had been curled up on the couch with my softest blanket.

The show was too short, as it always is. When it's that good, you want it to go on and on and on. But they did come back for an encore and I think that's when Jason fell in love with Patty for himself. She played Kris Kristofferson's "Help Me Make It Through the Night," a song (obviously) made famous by Waylon Jennings. And it was exactly what I needed to carry me through those final few hours of writing.

Good Day to Go Back

WOD: "Full Frontal"

2 rounds cals

5-5-3-3-3 front squats
*maxed at 3 reps of 95 lbs.

5 min. rest

12" AMRAP:
5 front squats
5 push press

*8.5 rounds @ 65 lbs.


Two and a half weeks (closer to three) doesn't sound like such a long time, but it is when you're talking about going without CrossFit. And it's not like I was on vacation. But papers are now submitted and I'm done with classes for a month. The break was necessary, but it wasn't really a break so much as it was forced concentration on something else.

Going back in today wasn't easy. I didn't even hear my alarm and only woke up because my brother called to remind me that I had said I was going back today and to make sure I did. I told him I didn't feel good. "Go anyway. You'll feel better." So I got up and dressed. Thank God my clothes still fit...mostly. I was truly worried. Subsisting on triple shot egg nog lattes doesn't exactly leave one feeling lithe.

Once I got there I was fine....excited when I saw 5:45 doing front squats because, for some unknown reason, I love those. Not as fun as squat cleans, but I can't get what I want everyday. But I was most thankful there was no running required this morning. (And now that I say that, we'll probably be doing something awful like 800m sprints, 5 RFT tomorrow....with 40 burpees tucked nicely between each round....and maybe a farmer walk with heavy dumbbells thrown in there at the end, plus a 400m lunge, and some double unders just to piss me off....we'll just go ahead and call it "I Hate Everybody")

Getting back to what I was saying.....

I'm glad I sucked it up and went today. I could easily be disappointed with my 3 rep max @ 95, but I'm sort of uncomfortably okay with it. Not every day can be a PR day. And those 65 lb push presses did not feel good. But I'm sort of (okay, really) enjoying the soreness that's setting in. I like that soreness.

I also like that there's a certain bar I like to use and I like that I'm irritated I didn't look for it this morning. Not that it might have changed anything, because it wouldn't. Or maybe it would have. I like that I'm familiar enough now that I notice things like my favorite bar and the fact that I like the black bumper plates, with maybe one green plate (only when combined with a black one, never two green together, and only used on the left-hand side) but never again that blue plate. The blue one doesn't like me. (If I ever approach you with one blue plate and ask you to switch with me, just do it. Don't ask why. I would do it for you....if it were any one but that one.)

I like that there's a certain kettle bell that's "mine"....the one with the handle that's just rough enough so I don't have to use chalk, but without a funky weld like that other one that tears open my pinky fingers. (Don't tell me to use gloves. I don't like them. I'm claustrophobic and so are my hands.) I'm sure 15 other people have claimed this same kettle bell, but for the hour that I'm there, it's mine. We have a relationship and we work well together.

But mostly I like that I got to see friends and familiar faces. And I got hugs. I like those, too.

Crunch Time

As much as I hate to say this, CrossFit must take a back seat to my academic aspirations this week. I have only days left to finish my senior paper and must then complete another writing project for my other class before next Wednesday. This means some late nights, early mornings, and full concentration.

I'd so much rather WOD and blog. That's way more fun. But I signed up for this and now I have to see it through to the end. The bitter, bitter end. I have grown accustomed to starting each weekday with my ACF tribe. Having to miss this morning due to lack of sleep really put a damper on my Monday. Prospects for Tuesday aren't looking much better at this point. I have to keep reminding myself that it's just for one week. I might make it in for one or two, but that's not likely.

In the beginning, I would dread each of the three days a week that I would rise at an ungodly hour and battle my own will just to make it in the door. If I crossed the threshold and found myself on the other side of the glass, standing on the concrete floor past the bumper plates and beneath the pull-up bars, I was in. No going back until I had done what I came to do.

And then something changed. My views changed. The view of them, and the view of myself. Somehow, the two meshed and I became one of "them"...we became us. I turned into one of those freaks that goes into the Pain Cave five days a week. I didn't think it could happen. And now I thank God it did. I needed them, I just didn't know it yet.

Now it's the end of November and I wonder how long I can go without buying pants to wear through a WOD. Strange, because now I would much rather buy clothes for CrossFit than for any other purpose. I invested in myself. And I see returns on the investment every day.

But I have this other investment. One year ago I made the decision to complete my college education. Not at all convenient with a full-time job and a family, but I need to finish what I started. And if it costs me a week out of the CrossFit box, it will be okay.

I just hope they miss me as much as I miss them.

Wednesday, November 24th

WOD: "Gobble This"

15 sec thrusters
45 sec rest
15 sec slamballs
45 sec rest
15 sec burpees
45 sec rest

5 RFT (consecutive count)

117 Rx (65 lb thrusters, 10 lb slamball)

Now this was fun. Never done burpees so fast in my life! Great way to end a short week going into Thanksgiving and the gluttony sure to follow.

Tuesday, November 23rd

WOD: "Dead to Me"

100 chins
75 hang power snatches
50 kettle bell swings
30 calorie row

1 Round for Time

27:33 (I don't think this is right, but I didn't write it down right away and I can't zoom in on the photo of the board)

Note: 100 consecutive pull ups will tear up your hands. 50 kettle bell swings will tear them even more.

Went with 40 lbs for the HPS because I still feel that anything I do with a wide grip needs serious form work. I'll get it....just have to work on the weaknesses.

Overall, great WOD. Jared and Rick sat down next to me after we were done (I may have yet again been the last one finished) and gave me some pointers on improving my rowing form. Always appreciated. Seriously....it means they care.

It is what you make it.

Hero WOD: "Blake"

*U.S. Navy Senior Chief Cryptologic Technician David Blake McLendon, 30, of Thomasville, Georgia, of the Naval Special Warfare Group 2 Support Activity in Norfolk, Virginia, killed September 21, 2010, in a helicopter crash during combat operations in Afghanistan's Zabul province.

2 rounds cals (this week: jumping jacks, shuffle splits, air squats, knees to elbows, stretches)

100 m weighted walking lunge (Rx: 25 lbs for females)
30 box jumps (Rx: 24")
20 wall balls (Rx: 14 lbs for females)
10 handstand push ups

4 Rounds for Time (scaled: 3 rounds)

31:30
(4 rounds: 25 lb plate for lunge walk, 20" box jumps/step ups, 10 lb wall ball, modified HSPU)


Monday in the box is never easy....never. Hurricane WODs are the norm; Heroes, the exception. Hero WODs are designed to be exceptional, just like the heroes they honor. And was this one ever exceptional.....

Lunge walks are not my strong suit, but I did them. All four rounds with a 25 lb plate over my head. Started strong on the box jumps but switched to step-ups once my form started to suffer. By the fourth round, even those were wobbly.

Wall ball....my nemesis. I am constantly being told to get down deep into the squat for these....something I don't otherwise have an issue with. And I need to be told. I WILL learn to dominate these bastards. I even told my brother that I want to buy myself a 14 lb wall ball for Christmas just so I can practice with it. (Who does that??)

I realized I was lagging behind everyone else once I hit the third round of lunge walks. I had the simultaneous realization that I was also one of the only girls still lunging with the 25 lb plate. Somehow, being behind didn't matter so much anymore.

By the fourth round, I was lunge walking by myself. Everyone else was done with that part of the round or done with the WOD entirely. The sun was beginning to come up and there I was in the alley, alone. And I was at peace with that. I could have so easily picked up the plate and walked back inside without completing the last 50 meters of lunges. But why would I want to cheat myself like that? No one would know....but I would know. My body would know and my heart would know. And that's the first time I've ever fully realized that the time on the clock, my personal time, does not matter to me. It's my effort that matters. It's my effort that builds muscle and strengthens my body and soul. It's my effort that lets me know if I can walk out with pride or if I should walk out with the sense that I didn't do the WOD justice. When I am on my hands and knees, dripping sweat, I know that I have given it my all. And that's all a hero WOD, or any WOD, really requires.


*Photo courtesy of Alamo CrossFit.

Friday, November 19th

WOD: "Stroll"

2 rounds cals

Tabata burpees (20 seconds on/10 seconds off...8 rounds)
Lowest count in a round: 5

THEN...

Rounds of 21-15-9:
dumbbell squat cleans
dumbbell push press
200 m farmer's carry

18:17 (20 lb DB's)

Yet another WOD wherein I should have gone Rx (25 lbs). I will learn...because if I don't, I might as well give up now. And I refuse to do that.

The circus that wasn't funny....

WOD: "2 Ring Circus"

2 rounds cals

12 min. AMRAP:
3 L pull-ups
6 ring dips
9 overhead squats

Rest 5 minutes

12 min. AMRAP:
20 overhead dumbbell lunges
20 kettlebell swings
20 box jumps

First AMRAP: 7 and 1/3 rounds
(modified pull-ups, tricep dips on box, 40 lb OHS)

Second AMRAP: 3 rounds
(20 lb dumbbell, 35 lb KB, mixed box jumps/step-ups)

At first glance, this didn't look all that bad. Should have taken a clue from the 5:45ers who looked as though they would have accepted death if given the option. ("Cake or death?"...Anyone?) But maybe I just shouldn't even read the board in the morning. Clearly, I missed the part about there being two AMRAP's. TWO. As in, more than one. In the same class period.

As of this writing (Thursday afternoon), I still hurt so badly that the pain just mocks the Advil and smacks it across the face before absorbing it in a final fit of laughter. I nearly dropped my child this morning when he jumped into my arms to hug me goodbye.

I opted to skip the morning classes today and sleep an extra 2 hours before getting up for work. And it was glorious. I did pack clothes just in case I have the opportunity to make one of the evening classes....though I suppose a 12 minute AMRAP of sitting and lying down is a bit too much to hope for at this point.

Sometimes We Fail

WOD:
"Background Check"

2 rounds cals

3-3-3-1-1-1
max back squat: 145 lbs


12" AMRAP:

8 hang power cleans
12 chin ups
16 pushups
20 air squats

4.5 rounds (65 lb HPC's)



Despite being fairly happy with my performance in the WOD (I moved myself on down to the lower resistance band for chins), I was so, so angry about my enormous back squat fail. I dropped the bar with 165 lbs....twice. And not even a respectable "I know this isn't happening so I'll step out from under the bar now" drop either. I let myself get to the point where I couldn't actually take that step out and ended up falling over backwards. It was ugly to feel and I'm sure even uglier to watch. Had I not let my pride take control, I could have scaled it back 10 pounds and been absolutely happy with that. But noooooo.

I need to learn to shut everything out in those moments. Stop it with the "I'm the only girl here. Clock is running out. I only have one more chance to lift this. We won't do this again for a while and I need to do THIS weight NOW."....I let the mental part get muddy and instead of concentrating on getting back up (even if it had been with less weight), I focused on my moment of failure.

We have to get past that. Get past that split second of second guess-ture and move forward. Because it's all in your mind at that point. You know your body can do it. You just have to bring your thoughts into focus and stand up under that weight. It doesn't really matter what the weight is made of or how much it is....or even if it's real or imaginary. Just move it. And then thank God for your abilities. Because not everyone has them.

Friday, November 12th

WOD:
(I can't remember the name!)

2 rounds cals
3 minute planks

500 m row
Rounds of 10,20,30,40,50
situps and jumping slamballs
500 m run

19:27


Awesome, awesome, awesome WOD!!! I'm pretty sure my face dripped sweat for a solid 10 minutes after it was over. That's how you know it was good!

Ending Dulce Essay

And at the end of the challenge, we were required to submit another essay on our experience during the challenge, what we learned, how we felt, etc...

"I am a Weight Watchers drop-out. Wanna know why? Because they wanted me to weigh 110 lbs. and didn't really care how I did it. They pushed their pre-packaged garbage and low fat this and high carb that, all of it loaded with sugar and things I couldn't pronounce with any semblance of know-how. And at some point I decided that it was all a load of crap. I didn't know where to go or what to do, but this was not healthy. And I knew that there was more to fitness than sitting in a meeting and listening to someone rattle on about how many clicks they got on their pedometer last week.

At the beginning of this challenge I broke up with my scale. I was tired of it being a source of anxiety and I was tired of giving it permission to rule my thoughts and dictate my self-image. Do you know how freeing that has been? To tell this flat, inanimate object without a personality that it has no power over me anymore?

I came into this challenge knowing that I don't lose weight. My weight shifts or I gain muscle but pounds do not just drop off of me. And throwing out the scale has helped me not to dwell on this aspect. It was during this challenge that I realized something incredible. I no longer think of weight in terms of my body...I now think of it in terms of how much I can lift.

I'm getting to the point where I am accepting of the size of my clothes. You might even say I'm happy. I'm smaller than when I first started the Ducle Vida Challenge. And I actually see muscles now where I couldn't before. I might even have an ab or two. I can lift heavier and endure longer. And I can see the potential I have in making it onto the leader board at some point in the near future.

Since making the jump into Paleo and then CrossFit, and then upping the ante and going strict Paleo, I feel better than I have in years. I no longer have the constant back pain, headaches and joint pain that someone in their early 30's should not have. This challenge has reminded me of what clean eating can do. Clean up the inside and the outside follows suit.

I have never been motivated by money. "Winning" this challenge would be nice. But I already won something even better than cold, hard cash. And I would be lying if I said that I could hold back the tears in realizing that what I really wanted actually happened. I found that girl. The "Now I want to be her, only better" girl.... And I am.

110 lbs... I will NEVER weigh 110 lbs. But I'm pretty damn close to lifting it over my head. And you know what else? I may have lost those 5 long years. But I'm not willing to give up one more day."


I did not win the challenge. Well, I did not win the money is what I should say. Because in a way, I did win. I won something more valuable. I discovered the joy of living my own life again. I found that I actually enjoy competition. And in sharing my thoughts and feelings and struggles here, I found that it's okay to let people in and to let them get close to me.

Welcome to my crazy. Hope you'll visit often. :)

Huge congratulations to Lance!!! I am truly happy for you. Thank you for your example, but thank you most of all for your service. Proud to know you, sir!

Beginning Dulce Essay

At the beginning of the Ducle Vida Paleo Challenge we were required to submit an essay, 200 words or less, on why we wanted to participate in this challenge. This was mine:

"3:35 a.m….25 minutes until the alarm goes off and I’m wide awake. Others dream in color, some in black and white. I dream in WOD, anticipating what the white board has in store for us each morning.

My friends ask why I do this to myself. The short answer? Because I can feel it. The long answer is where things get ugly. I lost five years of my life to major depression. I’ve spent the last year trying to repair, rebuild, and restore. I used to want to be the girl I was before. Now I want to be her, only better.

I used to shy away from challenges. Sugar was my comfort, my friend when everyone else went silent. No more. I can do better this time. The mental clarity that comes as a result of CrossFit and Paleo eating is something I have enthusiastically embraced and won’t give up. I want that $1,000 prize. But if all I win is a stripped down version of the girl I am today, faster and focused, less hurt and more healing, I still win.

“Dulce Vida”…because life is sweet. And now I can taste it."

Veterans' Day, November 11th

WOD:
"Bulger"

150 m run
7 chest to bar pullups
7 front squats
7 hand-stand pushups

10 RFT (scaled: 6 RFT)

16:43 (6 rounds)


I cannot believe I did not go 10 rounds. This was one of those days where I really needed to push myself and maybe even stand up for myself and I just didn't do it.

I started to blow through the rounds and was on about the 5th one when I made the mistake of saying out loud that I might actually go the full 10, only to be told quickly that I should have decided that up front. And I should have. Absolutely. I had doubted myself again and would have to just live with it.

But my response, to quit at 6 rounds and let that be it, wasn't what I wanted it to be either. I wish that I had called time at 6 rounds and then done the final 4 without credit. Because I don't care about the credit. I should have done it for the vets. Period.

I regretted my decision to scale all day. The extra 4 rounds would have exhausted me further, but I chose to think ahead to my performance in the afternoon Dulce instead. And that was wrong. It was selfish. I was actually embarrassed to go back in to the gym for my Dulce WOD.

My whole response was wrong. I let something shut me down....and I thought I was learning not to let that happen. I regretted it to the point of breaking down in a pathetic puddle of tears last night. But it wasn't just this regret. It was everything. Everything I'm facing. And everything I pull with me...everywhere.

Regrets, regrets, regrets....

More on that later.

Wednesday, November 10th

WOD:
"Triple Play"

2 rounds cals

Heavy Push Press, 3-3-3

Rest 3-5 min.

3 Push Press
15 Double Unders

AMRAP 12"

Heavy: 75 lbs
AMRAP: 10 rounds @ 65 lbs


Happy 235th Birthday, Marine Corps!!!

Enjoy the Silence

WOD:

2 rounds cals

10 box jumps/back squats
3 rounds

"Lift-a-licious"

21-15-9

21 Clean & Jerk
21 Back Squat
15 Push Press
15 Hang Cleans
9 Overhead Squat
9 Front Squat

(Rx 115/75)

11:07 (55 lbs)


Not much to say today, but lots to read for class tomorrow.

....Best get started.

Hello Helen

2 rounds cals (this week: jumping jacks, shuffle splits, air squats, situps, stretch)

3 rounds of inchworms

WOD:
"Helen"

400 m run
21 kettle bell swings
12 chin ups

3 RFT

12:40 (35 lb KB)

Dear Self:

It doesn't much matter if you can swing the hell out of a KB if you continue to refuse to run faster. Stop waiting for the last round to sprint the finish. Sprint the whole damn thing! You don't get better by pacing yourself, saving whatever it is you have for the last round. Give each round everything you have. And then do it again. Faster.

And get rid of that green band. Sure, it's prettier than the tan one, but you're not doing yourself any favors by sticking with it. It's been long enough. Loosen some of that tension and remember what it feels like to struggle.

And smile. That part doesn't hurt.

xoxo, Lisa

Saturday/Sunday, Nov. 6th & 7th

*Rest Days*

Saturday:

Breakfast:
grapefruit, almonds
black coffee

Lunch:
shrimp, guacamole
carrots & salsa

Snack:
leftover rice, refried beans
*Not Paleo....but they don't send me running for more the way sugar does. Shared them with my boy and we had a great time watching cartoons and taking turns with the bowl.

Dinner:
Lunch and snack were late in the day, so I had a few bites of leftover shrimp and more carrots and salsa. Good stuff.

Sunday:

Breakfast:
Bacon & egg taco....and I actually ate the tortilla. It wasn't all that good. I really can live without tortillas.
Starbucks coffee (not my favorite, but it works)

Lunch:
More leftover shrimp (I made a lot of it), carrots and salsa

Dinner:
I made a sort of casserole with eggs, turkey bacon, spinach, mushrooms, sundried tomatoes. Should have left the sundried tomatoes out and used fresh tomatoes or salsa as a topping. It also needed some peppers and onions. We'll try again.

I managed to go the whole weekend (I think today is actually day 5) without any sugar. Finally. Each day gets a little easier. And in kicking the sugar habit again, I've noticed my anxiety level has gone down. Today I had a mental breakthrough on my paper that I'm supposed to be writing and I know this has everything to do with the more relaxed state of being that comes from living without sugar. Praise Jesus. I was getting really nervous about the fast-approaching end of this semester but now I know I can finish this and not drive myself crazy in the process.

Do Shut Up

I'll be honest here. (This is not new...) I don't like most of my neighbors. And my feelings are not without merit. I have given it a good go....waved, tried speaking to, smiling, what have you. But today has to be up there with the most bizarre we have experienced since living here.

Wes wanted to ride his big wheel. Awesome. We go outside. I sit on the curb and he pedals down the street and skids past me just close enough to make me curl my toes up inside my shoes. Promises he won't actually hit me. (Riiiight.)

Neighbor kid rides up the street. Fine.
Here comes his dad, beer in hand. Crap.

Now, there are a plethora of reasons why I can't stand this guy. He's taken it upon himself to be the neighborhood watchdog....which is fine, except that he gets into screaming matches with people on a regular basis. (And today is no exception.) He actually called the police on another neighbor's guest last week....because their radio was too loud. I'd like to tell him that by doing this, he's painting a target on his back that just gets brighter with every spit-filled altercation he instigates. But he's such an idiot that I would truly be wasting my breath.

Below are the most memorable moments of our conversation. And when I say "conversation" please understand that it was almost completely one-sided. I did very little talking. He proceeded to plant his ass on my curb and spew his ignorant, bigoted, racist, and just altogether stupid views.

"How old is your kid?...He's not in sports?...Well, I mean, it's your life and your life decisions..."

(Damn right it is. And I've seen your kid throw a football. You might encourage him in the academic areas.)

"I was tellin' your old man...."

(Actually, he's my husband. And he's not old. And please don't talk to him.)

"My niece was supposed to come over today. She's in the Air Force...just got back from Afghanistan. Shot up some bad guys. She's Marine Corps."

(Okay, which is it? You do know they're different, RIGHT???)

At some point he walks back down to his house on the end of the street and I assume plugs his mouth with more tobacco that he may spit onto my driveway, which is always attractive. I see him start yelling at someone and he rounds the corner, still yelling. He comes back down to my house (Oh, thank you. Because I so wanted you to.) to tell me that he just "jumped on these 12 year olds' asses for walkin' by my house sayin' mother-f'er this and mother-f'er that." (Because THAT taught them. And I really hope your house gets egged.)

"You know me..." (Not really. And I don't want to either.) "I just can't let that go in front of my son." (Um, please note that your son was half a block up the street in front of my house and had no clue that anything was going on until you started yelling profanities back at children. Way to go, Dad. Way to go.)

At this point I tell him that I really prefer just to mind my own business, hoping he'll quit talking and leave.... Nope. Clueless.

Another neighbor drives up to a house between ours. "This guy's been known to knock a few back." (Nooooooooo! Please note the constant presence of beer in your own hand, sir. And has anyone ever told you that by looking directly at someone and shielding your mouth while talking to someone else, the first someone probably has a pretty good idea that YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THEM? Oh, and you whisper about as quietly as a 3 year old.) "He's crazy...You know those Puerto Ricans."

I cannot believe I actually managed to speak: "Excuse me?????"

He back pedals. "Not that that has anything to do with anything."
Me: "No...it doesn't." (I'm fairly certain that fire is coming out of my ears by now.)

If only there were Immodium for verbal diarrhea. The man just does not stop talking....

"His pit got out one day. I went in and got my gun..." (Oh, YAY!) "...pointed it right at the dog and said 'You got two choices. You can go on back and live, or you can stay here and die.' Dog yelped and ran right back in the house." (WTF??????? Note to self: Never go out of house again.)

And yet he goes on....I wish I could remember everything but I was so heavily concentrated on not kicking him in the head (I actually had to take a few steps back to insure this would not happen) that I couldn't make mental notes of everything he was saying.

He spoke again of how his son has been friends with the same group of boys since they were in daycare right after birth. (I had to hear this same story last week). And then came the kicker:

"They been runnin' around together since they were suckin' nipples."

(PLEASE try to envision the look on my face here. It had to have been priceless.)

Me: "WES!!!! WE NEED TO GO TO TARGET!!! NOWWWWWWW!!!!!"



Please don't piss me off. I might write about you. And that's not necessarily a good thing.

Blessings Undeserved

I was feeling good after today's fun Friday WOD. Really good. On my way home I got a text from my brother...(I was stopped at a light so please lower your eyebrows).

"Dude...you ARE the blog..."

"What?"

"Today Rick's blog is about you and a link to your blog...Proud of you - you might be the next Lisbeth!" (Lisbeth Darsh is the author of the "Crossfit Lisbeth" blog and an absolute ROCKSTAR. To sit at her feet and soak in her wisdom would probably turn me into one of those sobbing and pathetic girls you see in footage of the front rows of Beatles' concerts. To quote that awesome Intel commercial: "Our rockstars are different than your rockstars.")

OMG. Drive faster. I need to see this....

And now all I can say is that I am humbled. And amazed. And grateful. And thankful to know that I am exactly where I belong. Thank you, Rick. Thank you for accepting me into your fold and for helping me find my better self. You are an inspirational leader and I am so thankful to know you and to be your student.

And did you see that? My brother is proud of me. I could very easily be an embarrassment to him. But he's proud of me. And I'm so proud and awed by him that I have tried many times to put this into a post but can't...yet. I will find the words. Because he deserves them.

And then I get to work and check my e-mail and I have the most beautiful and loving and encouraging message from my best friend in the whole world. My April. My April who knows me and loves me anyway. :) She is one of my greatest treasures in life and I must also find a way to tell you about her.

This day is turning out to be pretty incredible.... Unexpected gifts. Blessings undeserved. Sunshine, grace, and mercy.

Happy Friday, everyone.

And here's the link to the Alamo Crossfit blog: http://www.alamocrossfit.com/?p=3704

Still amazed.

TGIF

WOD:
"Bears"

30 seconds on / 30 seconds off

max rep thrusters
max burpees
max knees-to-elbows
max SDHP (sumo deadlift high pull)

3 rounds

1" rest between rounds

(Rx: 135 males / 95 females)

126 reps @ 55 lbs

Got to see Missy and Lorena leaving the 5:45 as I drove up for 6:30 this morning. Always good to start the day with hugs and friendly faces. And then I walked into a class of about 20 Army officers and Shawn. He looked concerned. He had already read the board. "It's like Fight Gone Bad but with burpees."..... Oh.

Aside from the knees-to-elbows, this actually ended up being a lot of fun. I have long arms but short legs, so the whole elbow thing isn't so much happening. More like knees-to-boobs. Perhaps I need to work on my swing....

While I would have loved to have gone with 65 lbs for the thrusters and SDHP, I chose 55 because my neck is still a bit iffy today. The nerve that's pinched isn't acting up as much, but this was one of those instances where I actually used my head and chose to play it safe. It's much, much better than yesterday, so I have full confidence that all will be back to normal by Monday. At least it better be.....Monday WOD's suck.

Breakfast:
eggs, bacon
black coffee
valencia orange

Lunch:
Rosemary lemon chicken breast, salsa. 'Twas good.

Dinner:
El Chapparal beef fajitas, guacamole, lots of salsa and a few bites of rice and beans. I don't have problems walking away from the rice and beans so a few bites are fairly safe for me. It's sugar that I do battle with, so I decided to forgo the margarita.

(I Don't Want To) Rest Day

*Rest Day*

The cantankerous bundle of nerves in my neck and between my shoulder blades is very, very angry from yesterday's overhead lifting. I'm super sore and stiff and have limited range of motion in my neck right now. I had planned to make the noon class today but got called into a meeting at 11. The 5:30 pm is an option, but I think that maybe I just need to let my neck and shoulders rest today and avoid any further injury. What I have found (and why I keep testing this just to make sure, I do not know) is that when I allow myself to ingest sugar, the aforementioned nerves tend to get irritated and make me very uncomfortable.

So, I'm back to being "good." I had my little crack-out on Halloween candy and now I'm done. Good thing, too. Challenge ends next week. I must now come to grips with the fact that I most likely threw myself headlong out of the running to win the challenge. This is where I must practice that kinder, gentler treatment of self and forgive and move on.

The challenge isn't about the money for me, anyway. I've learned a lot. And I won't be bailing off the Paleo wagon come November 13th. I can think more clearly when I'm 100% Paleo, and have therefore challenged myself to continue on through December 9th when my senior paper is due. I need all the help I can get....

Breakfast:
pecans, apple
black coffee

Lunch:
seasoned shrimp, rosemary lemon chicken breast, salsa
strawberries

Snack:
more strawberries
more pecans

Dinner:
My mama made pork roast with sweet potatoes, carrots and mushroom and invited Wes and me to stay for dinner. Yes, thank you! It was so delicious....and I didn't have to make it. :)

Snack:
Paleo-friendly coconut/pecan/cocoa treat (google "Nourishing Gourmet mounds candy" for recipe)

Can't or Won't?

WOD:
"Shorty Wanna Ride"
2 rounds cals

5-5-3-1-1 max effort Clean & Jerk

*maxed at 95 lbs*

21-15-9
Squat Cleans
Push Jerks

14:13 (65 lbs Rx)

I need to stop saying "I can't." Rick asked what my max Clean & Jerk was....I didn't know, but said that I knew I couldn't get 80 over my head. He rolled his eyes and told Jen and me to start with just the 45 lb bar. We got the form down and added a couple of plates. 65 lbs. 75 lbs. 80 lbs. We started to get a little excited. 85 lbs. 95 lbs. Done. Happiness. Not just for ourselves, but for each other. Neither of us thought going in to it that we would go that high. But we did.

And that was just the warm up. I was really happy to see squat cleans on the board today. I don't know why, but I love these! It just feels like a complete and fluid and beautiful movement. And it makes your quads hurt in a really good way. Somehow, the 15 lb bar that I had selected disappeared. I started to grab another. Rick said to use the 45. (See? I still have to be told.) I had done "Badger" with only 45 lbs. Today's Rx was 65. 21-15-9 reps. Do it or don't.

I can honestly say that today I gave 100%, every last thing I had. Unlike yesterday's deadlifts, I struggled through 21 reps of squat cleans and then 21 reps of push jerks at 65 lbs. And then 15. And then the glorious last 9 of each. When it was over I dropped to my knees. Too wobbly to stand up. There was not one inch of me that was dry or not shaking.

John and Shawn kindly took down my bar and put the plates and collars away for me. I probably stayed on the ground for 5 solid minutes. And all I could think was "I did it. I Rx'd." And as exhausted as I was, I was happy.

Encouragement from the tribe and from our leader. It's something we have at ACF. Of course there's the friendly competition, but what continues to amaze me is the encouragement that flows through the gym. We rejoice in each others' victories, be they big or small. Because they're not just physical...they're emotional and mental. It's about much more than a WOD, it's about overcoming life's struggles.

It's about someone plagued by self-doubt learning to say "I CAN do this. I WILL do this."

Por vida, my friends. Today is a good day.


Breakfast:
Chicken & Fruit Bowl (from My Fit Foods)

Lunch:
Leftover shrimp & chicken, carrots, celery & salsa

Dinner:
We'll talk about that later.

Step Out of the Comfort Zone, Please

WOD:
"Bungee"

2 rounds cals
3 rounds of "Around the World" (aka "mat humping")
400 m run

21-15-9
deadlifts
boxjumps

7:13 (95 lbs)


I'm learning. I'm learning that how well I can breathe is directly related to my sugar intake. I'm learning that I can actually lift a lot more than I *think* I can. Those 95 lb deadlifts should have been 105 or even 115. (My one rep max was 155 a couple of months ago, but I missed the max deadlift day last week so didn't get to try for more.) Coach Mike was right when he said I looked "comfortable." I was. I was too comfortable. I should have been struggling with those last 9 reps. I should have been struggling with the middle 15, and even the first 21. I still need to be told that I can go heavier, because I don't quite know how to tell myself.

Missy was right about yesterday's "cleansing cry." It wasn't about the WOD at all...it was everything else. CrossFit is how I deal with everything else. But in those few seconds, the fabric tore and everything I was holding inside came pouring out. It was momentary, short lived. But it gave me enough wiggle room to not feel so tight under the pressure.

Each day in the box is a learning experience for me. And my performance is a direct indicator of how well I'm handling everything else in my life. It tells me if I feel brave or if I feel scared. It tells me if I feel strong or if I feel weak and overwhelmed. It tells me if I feel happy or if I have things to work out.

I wonder what goes through everyone else's minds as they push through the WOD. My thoughts are often jumbled and erratic and I long for the day when they are clear and calm. What was I supposed to read for class today? Did I send those documents out? Was I supposed to send those documents out? Did I even finish the documents? Did I turn off my flat iron? Does Wes have clean clothes for preschool? Do I have stuff to make his lunch? When is Jason's next treatment?...and oh, please don't let us have a co-pay for it. Did I finish the billing? Did I even start the billing? Who is coming in to meet at 11 again? And do I have to be there? I have class today. I don't have class today. I should check the schedule again. I have six pages due on Monday. My front brakes are making a lot of noise. I need to clean out my car. And my house.

If I look perpetually lost in thought, it's because I am. But if I can make it through this semester, I'll be fine. At least until the next one starts. And maybe by then I will have deadlifted 200 lbs. Maybe even 225. It's the goals that keep us going....and we don't reach goals by staying comfortable.


Breakfast:
eggs, bacon
black coffee

Lunch:
chicken, shrimp, celery & carrot sticks w/ salsa

Dinner:
That would be something I forgot to plan....

Meet "Forrest"...and tell him "thank you"

WOD:
"Forrest"
Hero WOD in honor of U.S. DEA Agent Forrest Nelson Leamon, killed in Afghanistan on October 26, 2009.

20 L-pullups (scaled: w/ band)
30 toes to bar
40 burpees
800 m run

3 RFT (scaled: 2 RFT)

33:04 *scaled*

I actually cried during this morning's WOD. Cried. First, because I couldn't breathe (sick with allergies....how pansy does that sound?) but then I cried BECAUSE I was crying. Having not wodded (I just like that word) since last Wednesday, and then having consumed ungodly amounts of candy this weekend, I COULD NOT BREATHE during burpees. Told myself to take 10 at a time....uh, fail. Okay, five at a time....mostly fail. I did complete them....with lots of encouragement from Coach Mike. He's really good about that, and it works. Running down the darkened alley (and I use the term "running" loosely) I was reminded that I get to do this because of people like Agent Leamon. And then my tears began to mix with the sweat and I decided this really wasn't all that bad.

Now, I'm not a make-a-big-production-of-the-cry kind of girl. I'd really prefer not to have done it in the first place. And truly, I don't think anyone else knew. And again, I wanted to go 3 rounds so badly. I wish I had done it now. John and Blaine did. Just about everyone from 5:45 did. And I realize some of them can do a lot that I can't (yet) but the only way to get better is to push yourself and chase those who are better than you. And this is why I will go back tomorrow. And the next day. And the next. And I will keep going until I can be the person who inspires someone else to push themselves. And then go again.

But honestly, I'd do "Badger" again in a heartbeat if given the choice. (I actually LOVED "Badger.") But then I'd feel ungrateful to "Forrest". So the only answer is to do each and every one of the hero WODs as they come. And then do them again, faster.


Breakfast:
orange/grapefruit juice
apple
leftover chicken breast

Lunch:
grilled chicken, celery, carrots, salsa

Dinner:
Seasoned shrimp, celery, salsa (loving salsa right now)

I will admit to having some of Wes' Halloween candy tonight. Of course now I wish I hadn't, but I did and we'll just agree to move forward and not dwell. Tomorrow is a new day, with a new WOD, and new opportunities to make the right choices.

Saturday/Sunday, October 30th & 31st

Saturday:

Breakfast:
bacon, eggs
orange/grapefruit juice
black coffee

No lunch....but I did have ice cream....and more black coffee.

Dinner:
Cobb salad

I don't know how to tally the amount of tootsie rolls I consumed....so I'm not going to try.

Sunday:

Breakfast:
eggs, sausage
black coffee

Lunch:
Again, don't recall eating lunch.

Dinner:
Bill Miller brisket, green beans, pinto beans, sauce, rolls

And more Halloween candy. I completely fell off the Paleo wagon this week. I guess it's not so much falling off as jumping off and then refusing to get back on right away. I got sick, didn't feel like cooking, and gave myself permission to misbehave. Major Paleo fail. I'm ready for Week 5 with renewed 100% commitment.

Friday, October 29th

No WOD again this morning. Sick. Not at all happy about this. :(

Breakfast:
eggs/ham
black coffee

Lunch:
Don't recall having lunch.

Dinner:
beef fajitas
margarita

Oh, and I did take Wes for ice cream before dinner. Parenting WIN!!! I also helped myself to 2 scoops. Boo :(

Thursday, October 28th

No WOD today. Woke up feeling terrible....congestion, sore and scratchy throat. I hope this is just allergies....or maybe I'd rather it be a cold since allergies could go on forever....

Breakfast:
eggs w/ ham and a smattering of throat losenges

Lunch:
Central Market chicken breat with celery and Julio's salsa. SO GOOD.


Dinner:
We decided to put off our 10th Anniversary date night to a weekend night, so we took Wes with us to Dough Pizzeria. It was good....the food was really good, but it was small and loud and crowded. Not such a great place for a kid. He was perfectly well-behaved, but it would have been nice to sit at an actual table instead of at the "chef's table" which is essentially a bar. We had this fantastic oak roasted mushroom bruschetta, followed by some truly delicious margherita pizza. Wes was licking the sauce from his, so I knew he enjoyed it.

I'm well aware that none of this is Paleo. Week 4 has been the most challenging week thus far for me. I'd better plan on being 100% for Weeks 5 and 6 if I have any hope of staying in the running.

Wednesday, October 27th

WOD:
"Hydraulics"

2 rounds cals
Max Effort Power Cleans (5-3-3-1-1)

*Maxed at 105 lbs. (my last max was 80 lbs...vast improvement!) I am so excited about this I don't even have appropriate words. Wasn't feeling good going in this morning, but now I feel really, really great! Amazing how a small victory can change your outlook for the whole day.

500 m run
50 KB swings (35 lbs)
30 chin-ups

8:20

Breakfast:
mixed 100% orange/grapefruit juice
eggs w/ bacon
black coffee

Lunch:
Central Market chicken breast, tomato

Dinner:
Hot fudge sundae from Sonic.....I was desperate and weak. And we're not going to talk about it.

Dinner:

Tuesday, October 26th

No WOD today. Very sad to have missed, but I was exhausted and needed a couple of hours extra sleep. Most mornings I would much rather get up and go but today I just couldn't.

Breakfast:
pecans

Lunch:
chicken breast, green olives, strawberries

Snack:
cashews, strawberries

Dinner:
Alamo Cafe - beef fajita ensalada, no cheese, salsa for dressing
I did have chips and salsa, though.

I also had some ice cream. MUST MUST MUST stop this. Only 3 weeks left in the challenge but I'm not really focused on an end date. I'd rather focus on living Paleo (with the occasional indulgence, not what I've had the past week) and getting faster and stronger as a CrossFitter. I believe whole-heartedly in both and consider this more of a lifestyle than just a six week challenge. Still, I need to be "in" this challenge. So suck it up, sister.

Monday, October 25th

WOD:
"Cindy"

5 pull-ups
10 push-ups
15 air squats

20" AMRAP

15 1/3 rounds

I love this particular WOD, primarily because it helps me work on pull-ups (still with the band) and Rx push-ups and also because it's just fun.

Breakfast:
eggs & ham
black coffee

Lunch:
strawberries, pineapple, jazz apple, cashews
*I had class at 1 pm and didn't want much afterward but was craving fruit.

Snack:
honey toasted pecans....must stop eating these

Dinner:
leftover beef fajita meat, seasoned/sauteed shrimp, avocado, tomato
mixed 100% orange/grapefruit juices

Beauty in this Mess

"When it's said and done and this race is run,
I wanna go out with no regrets.

Hope I was proof God was the Truth
and you could see beauty in this mess."


I know without a doubt that there is purpose in my struggles. I don't always see it, and sometimes I forget about it entirely, but when I look back I know it's there....somewhere.

Yesterday we had the absolute privilege of being in the presence of US Army Sgt. Joel Tavera at church. In 2008, his humvee was hit and 3 of his fellow soldiers were killed. Sgt. Tavera lost a leg, four fingers, pieces of his skull, was burned over 60% of his body, and lost all eyesight.

As he was led to the stage and given a seat, I wondered what he had looked like before. I wondered if there was bitterness. Those thoughts went away in seconds. If he was nervous, it didn't show. He answered questions from Randy and talked a little bit about his life now. He spoke somewhat slowly until Randy asked him about his favorite verse, Hebrews 4:12. Sgt. Tavera rattled the verse off as if nothing could ever make him forget it. "For the Word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword...."

Living and active. Sgt. Tavera said that when he woke up from his coma he had a choice to make. He could succumb to the depression that was sinking in, or he could live and fulfill his purpose. He wasn't done. He chose to live.

I noticed something during the slideshow of photographs that was played during the service. Sgt. Tavera has a beautiful smile. A genuine smile. I didn't notice his injuries anymore, just his smile. He gave so much in service for our country, and yet he's not done. God has more for him and wants more from him. Sgt. Tavera now serves as an encouragement for others. I don't know if that's officially what he does, but it's what he did for me.

I had a choice to make last year. I could continue on the path of self-destruction, giving up on life, my family, my friends...or I could start on the path back to living the life that God gave me. God allowed me to walk through that dark valley for as long as it took to realize what I was doing. But he never left me. He NEVER left me.

When I called out for Him after that long silence, He didn't answer me with anger. He just loved me. He just loved me. He showed me that I have a purpose. He showed me that there is "beauty in this mess."

I've learned to let people be who they are and try to love them anyway. I've learned acceptance and perseverance. I've learned to listen. I've learned that sometimes, all a person needs is a kind word. And I've learned that sometimes, I need to be the person that gives it to them. I've learned that my family is my everything. I've learned that I can do a lot more than I ever thought possible. I've learned that sometimes I just need to be quiet. I've learned that Mama never stops praying for me. I've learned that Daddy never stops, either. I've learned that my brother is one of the strongest and most beautiful people I have ever known. I've learned that my sister has the heart of a lion. I've learned that my husband has patience and love far above anything I deserve. And I've learned that my child....my child....loves with the greatest enthusiasm and forgives with a heart like Jesus.

I.Am.Blessed.

Saturday/Sunday, October 23rd & 24th

Saturday

Breakfast:
eggs, ham, strawberries
black coffee

Good start, right? Just wait......

Lunch:
This is where things fell apart. I took Wes to get a haircut only to find out the wait would be 2 hours. Booked the available slot and took him next door to Baskin Robbins for ice cream....his request. I wanted some so badly but managed restraint. We ran a couple of errands and I realized that I forgot to bring anything in the way of Paleo-friendly food with me. Headache was coming on and I was not feeling so great. I drove to Chick-fil-A, intent on getting a fruit cup and another cup of coffee only to find about 20 cars in the drive-thru and the inside packed. WTH???? Wes asked for Wendy's. And here we have the great Parenting/Paleo Fail of October 23rd. I got a Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger...because it was small and also $1.29. And a Coke. Proceeded to carry on with errands....

Dinner:
Now, see, here is where my earlier fail affected my thought process. J came home and I was able to leave the house for a couple of hours by myself. It was much needed, but I failed yet again to carry anything in the form of nourishment. I didn't even bring water. I ALWAYS carry water. Dumbass. J called and asked what I was planning for dinner. Valid question. I did not have a valid answer. In my mind I had already written the day off as a disaster, so I suggested pizza....it being easy and already made. The boys were thrilled to eat crap for dinner. I personally would welcome the opportunity to vomit now if it would make me feel any less awful. I only ate 1.5 slices of pizza. But then I had chips....those ranch-seasoned Doritos thingies. And now I am making myself sick just thinking about them again.

Stay Paleo, people. Just stay Paleo.

Sunday

Breakfast:
black coffee

Lunch:
Baby shower food....there was this delicious Mexican dip and chips and then I had strawberries and pineapple. One of these chocolate dipped oreo things and a cookie. And half a piece of cake. It was from The Cake Shoppe....totally worth it. I knew this would be a challenge but I embraced it as sort of a day off, not necessarily earned but still needed in order to make this challenge livable.

Dinner:
Shrimp, avocado
Watermelon

Friday, October 22nd

WOD:
"Chunky Monkey"

2 rounds cals
2" max kettle bell swings (55 @ 35lbs)

500 m row
21 deadlifts
500 m run
15 deadlifts
500 m row
9 deadlifts

12:57 (85 lbs)

Breakfast:
mixed fruit
maple almonds/pecans (technically, this is cheating)

Lunch:
Roast/carrots/sweet potato/mushrooms

Dinner:
Beef/chicken fajitas, guacamole, salsa

That's nice, but.....

So, I noticed something the other day. I have a waist again. Week 3 and that was my first indication of change during this challenge, other than having to tighten my belt again....I guess those two go together. It's a nice change, it is. But sometimes I wish I could accept one change without all of the self-criticism that comes along with it.

In noticing I have a smaller waist, I also notice that it makes me look like I have bigger hips. And bigger boobs...which I don't need. Don't get me wrong, I have great boobs. I just have never been comfortable with the whole hour-glass thing. I hate the term "hour-glass", actually. Please don't use it.

I have this habit of trying to stretch out shirts right after I put them on, just so they don't cling to anything. My husband tells me that I don't need to do this. But I do. It's the self-conscious part of me that compels. And I am nothing if not self-conscious. I wish I could take a cue from my sweet 5 year old and state that "I like the way God maked me." I'll have to work on that....

And speaking of working....I worry that I feel like I'm not really "working" this challenge. I started to feel pretty low about it, and I would still feel low about it, except that I realized this morning that maybe it's not that difficult because I already live Paleo. Sure, I had my pre-challenge freakout wherein I consumed close to my weight in ice cream. I admit that was entirely silly, but at least it wasn't the norm.

While it seems that everyone else struggles with the diet, I struggle with the workouts. I've made a conscious effort this week to gauge my input (lifting heavier, sprinting longer, fewer breaks during pull-ups) in an effort to maximize the outcome. Overall, I'm feeling better, albeit very sore. And those smaller jeans I bought last month? Pulled them off and back on last night without unbuttoning them. I guess I can live with the smaller waist....until the Lulu shorts fall off....which they might....soon. :)

Thursday, October 21st

WOD:
"TT for Now"

2 rounds cals
2" partner slam balls

2000 m row - time trial
(9:35.0)

1 mile run - time trial
(9:53)

*No excuses for these sucky performances. They just sucked. (Fastest mile I have ever timed was 8:14...would be THRILLED to get back to that.) Mind is elsewhere today. Was feeling great but woke up with a lot of pain in lower back. Probably need to get myself one of those epsom salt and eucalyptus oil baths....sometime.

Breakfast:
2 small spiced apple muffins
leftover roast from yesterday....craving protein
black coffee

Lunch:
roast, carrots, sweet potato, mushrooms again
mandarins

Dinner:
Eggs w/ ham
cinnamon graham Goldfish (I know they're not Paleo)

Wednesday, October 20th

WOD:
"Mr. Shankley"

We started with 3-3-3-1-1-1 max push press. I missed lifting the heaviest (for the girls) of the early morning classes by 5 freakin' pounds. Maxed at 75 and just could not get 80 up. Bub told me I should have widened my grip...after the fact. :/ 75 seemed almost easy. 80 should have been totally doable! Grrrrrrr.

THEN, 21-15-9

power snatch
chins
elevated push-ups

12:47 (45 lbs)

Food:

Breakfast:
Spiced Apple Muffins (insert yummy noises here)
mandarin

Lunch:
Roast/carrots/sweet potato/mushrooms. Hubs just earned himself a spot as official roast cooker. 1) because it's delish, and 2) because I didn't have to do it.

Dinner:
Repeat of lunch.

Tuesday, October 19th

Hero WOD:
"Badger"
In honor of Navy Chief Petty Officer Mark Carter, 27, of Virginia Beach, VA who was killed in Iraq in December, 2007.

2 rounds cals

30 squat cleans
30 chins
800 m run

3 RFT

40:50 (45 lbs)

I trust that at some point today I shall regain full function of my legs. So glad I didn't miss today. Would love to have finished under 40 minutes but it is what it is. Go harder and heavier next time. Must learn to run faster for longer stretches. I did very nearly smack into one of the visiting Lulu girls doing her yoga stretches in the middle of the running pathway. Feel sort of bad about that. But also sort of don't....

I absolutely am able to squat clean the Rx weight of 65 lbs at this point....I'm just not sure about the whole 90 times thing. Already knew it was going to be a long one. Awesome, awesome WOD. Looking forward to doing it again!

Food:

Breakfast:
lots and lots of water
eggs & ham
black coffee

Lunch:
seasoned chicken breast
mandarin orange

Dinner:
Got home super late and was too tired to cook. Thankfully found a few leftover shrimp and some green olives in the fridge. Baked some Paleo-friendly apple cinnamon muffins. Those hit the spot for my momentary sweet craving.

Monday, October 18th

WOD:
"Class Warfare"

20" AMRAP of:
15 burpees
20 jumping slamballs
25 sit ups
30 air squats

6:30 a.m. took 2 of the categories (squats and I can't remember what else) but lost them later in the day to the nooners, but this morning was fantastic. So fantastic that my legs actually wobbled. WOBBLED. Burpees are bad, but jumping slamballs are THE SUCK.

I don't think I've mentioned how much I LOVE the 6:30 am class. LOVE LOVE LOVE. I only get to WOD with them about twice a week now, but they are awesome. I do love the 5 am as well....it's just a lot harder to be social at that hour and I feel like sometimes I am barely moving. I love how each class has its own vibe. I also love how easy it has been to float between them.

I love how at home I feel now at ACF. It took me a little while, but that's because of me, not them. I don't warm up to people easily....in fact, my family says I'm a little bit intimidating. When I ask Hubs if he's mad at me he says "No, I'm scared of you." Working on warmth....I'm actually a sparkling creature, I'll have you know. But in all seriousness, I LOVE my ACF tribe. Even the ones I don't know well....because it's just that we haven't had the opportunity to get to know each other yet. This place draws you in. And the people....they make you feel like family. They accept you as family. Nothing better than family, ya'll!

Food:

Breakfast:
leftover roast
mandarin orange
black coffee

Lunch:
beef vegetable soup
mandarin orange (I really do love these)

Snack:
sunflower seeds (about one whopping teaspoon...because I don't really like them much at all)

Dinner:
Pan seared eye of round steak, thinly sliced
avocado
orange juice (all by itself...I ran out of grapefruit juice and I'm sad)

Saturday/Sunday, October 16th & 17th

Saturday, October 16th

No WOD

Food:

Paleo candy bar (seriously not making these again)

Breakfast/Lunch:
eggs w/ bacon
mandarin orange
juice
black coffee

Dinner:
Ben's birthday dinner at Texas Roadhouse. Did well by ordering a 6 oz. sirloin steak and baked sweet potato. Did not do well by also ordering a salad with ranch dressing, and then consuming 3 rolls with cinnamon-honey butter. Also had just a few bites of chocolate birthday cake.

*Will NOT be cheating in this way again. Woke up SO SICK in the middle of the night. Not worth it.

Sunday, October 17th

No WOD.

Food:

Breakfast:
Paleo candy bar (I'm so sick of these now)
black coffee
grapefruit

Snacks:
green olives
sm. handful cinnamon graham Goldfish (too hungry...FAIL)
mandarin orange

Dinner:
Garlic and onion seasoned shrimp w/ avocado and sweet potato fries....um, I don't want to brag, but this is the best dinner I've made in a long time. So good.

Rough, rough day. Jason is not well and stayed in bed. I took Wes to the UTSA library with me....adventurous for a 5 year old. I had a couple of hours worth of podcasts to listen to for one class....test tomorrow. And then I have the intro to my senior paper also due tomorrow. I'm at a complete loss as to what to write. Praying for inspiration. Wes has been so good, though. We played football for a while and "drove" his RC monster truck for a bit. Not enough....never enough.

Where do I put this?

You ever have one of those days when someone says something that just gets so far under your skin that you cannot stop thinking about it for even one solid minute? It hits a nerve and stays there. And then you have to decide what to do with it....because it's not going to just go away. You're forced into a position of categorizing it, just so it will shut up and quit mocking you. You can't just stand there and hold it.

That happened to me this morning at the end of the 5 am class. Someone who shall remain nameless made a point of telling me "If there had been any more running, you woulda beat me....I'm so happy not to be last anymore."..... It stung at the time, got a little more inflamed as the morning wore on, and then full on raged for the rest of the day. (And for the record, I was NOT the last one finished....but this person has made more than one mention of beating me in the WOD time....Look, dude, it's not that hard. *insert eyeroll here*)

The question of just what I should do with this...this thorn, splinter, whatever nagging thing you want to call it...bothered me all day long. For most of the day I actually planned to go back and re-WOD with the 5:30 pm class, hoping to go faster and heavier than 12 hours before. But what if I didn't? What if as a result of fatigue I just wasn't able to? What if I crashed and burned and failed to best my initial time? Wasn't sure I could handle that failure on an emotional and mental level today. I was prepared to show up, child in tow, just to prove that I could do it AGAIN, but I think the poison had built up in my system during the day to the point that I was dizzy with a throbbing headache. I psyched myself out of it.

It's been a rough week in that regard...emotional and mental. School is wearing me down like never before. Work is so busy that I've begun to get confused on documents and who wants what and when. Jason's been sick. I'm getting anxious. And the only thing I really want to do is CrossFit, because now it's my therapy. I've cried more this week than I have in a long time. And I need to work it out.

I want to do it because I want to be proud of myself. I want my coaches to be proud of me. I want my husband to be proud of me. I want my son to tell kids on the playground "My mommy can beat up your mommy"....(I'm kidding....sort of). I want to not wear skinny jeans, not because my ass is too big, but because my quads are. We all have ridiculous little dreams for ourselves, only I'm starting to realize that maybe mine aren't so ridiculous.

I've taken a somewhat shy and quiet approach to the WODs up to this point. Stay in the corner, keep your head down, don't make too much noise and no one will notice you. No more. I'm emotional in everything I do and CrossFit should be no exception. What I've taken pains to internalize needs to come out. I'm still working out grief and anger and sadness. Let the sweat pour. And if I have to show up everyday 20 minutes before 5 am, war paint (read: makeup) on...because it makes me feel better, wrists taped, knee Biofreezed and ibuprophened, and fully caffeinated, I will. Enjoy those few weeks you had the pleasure of beating me. Because it won't happen again.

So, *unnamed person*, congratulations. Or maybe I should say thank you. Your flippant words sparked something. Now stand back and watch the fire rage. And try not to get burned.

Friday, October 15th

WOD:

2 rounds cals
2 sets of 15 ring-rows, then 2 sets of 10

"Pick a Lift"

200 m sprint
8 overhead squats
200 m sprint
8 clean & jerks
200 m sprint
8 front squats
200 m sprint
8 back squats

12:50 (OHS @ 35lbs, others @ 55)

Should have sucked it up and gone 65. Stop over-thinking it. Looking forward to next week.

Food:

Breakfast:
eggs & ham
strawberries
juice

Lunch:
beef vegetable soup
2 mandarins

lil' bit of leftover roast later in the day

Dinner:
seasoned shrimp and avocado

*Paleo FAIL: more raspberry yogurt covered pretzels. And now I feel like crap.

Thursday, October 14th

WOD:
"Nancy"

2 rounds cals, then...

400 m run
15 overhead squats (Rx: 95/65 lbs)

5 Rounds for Time

18:46 (35 lbs)

I wanted so badly to do Rx but practicing with just the 45 lb bar I knew that my form was suffering. It's that wide grip with heavier weight that I need to work on, but I'd rather go lighter weight with good and proper form than heavy and sloppy. Even with the light weight, the nerve in my left arm is still bothering me. This time, just in my wrist. Felt it firing during the OHS but not until the last few in each round. Don't know what to do about it now except just ignore it.

I'm getting impatient about reaching my Rx goals, but practice is supposed to make perfect. So, keep at it. In August I set a one year goal for myself to reach Rx for everything. That was before I knew about muscle-ups....those may be the one exception....the one ugly and painful exception.

Food:

Breakfast:
Eggs w/ Canadian Bacon
mixed 100% juice

One Paleo candy bar on the way to work. Will not be making these again....because I can't seem to stay away from them. I can't Paleofy junk food and expect to win this challenge. I went for 30 days without one bit of sweetener (real or artificial). It wasn't that hard. Do it again.

Lunch:
Vegetable beef soup
apple

Dinner:
Top sirloin steak, avocado
watermelon

Wednesday, October 13th

I think I'm over yesterday's little funk. Praise Jesus!....because, truly, I just can't stand myself when I'm down.

FANTASTIC WOD to start the day didn't hurt, either.

WOD:
"Grimey"

2 rounds cals

1 Clean & Jerk
1 round of "Cindy" (5 pullups, 10 pushups, 15 squats)

2 Clean & Jerks
1 round of "Cindy"

3 Clean & Jerks
1 round of Cindy

....all the way up to 10 C&J and 1 round of "Cindy"

25:28 (55 lbs)...next time go heavier. Rx was 115, clearly not happening....but it will. :)

I had to pick up some documents before coming in to the office this morning, so I got to drive around in this beautiful fall sunshine for a bit. Seems to be just what I needed. Feeling great today.

Food:

Breakfast:
Paleo candy bar (this might be a breakfast fail)
OJ/grapefruit juice
pecans

Lunch:
Herb Dijon chicken breast and oven roasted dill carrots from Central Market. Loved both. Carrots may have been roasted with a bit of butter....butter is not Paleo but we'll just pretend we don't know about it.

Also had some cherry yogurt covered pretzels...because I wanted them.

Dinner:
Um, well....I didn't cheat, but I didn't exactly have dinner, either. I did have a mandarin and a Paleo candy bar and some watermelon. Oh, and definitely some of my juice...but no meat or vegetables. I just wasn't really hungry...and I was watching the last miner rescue...and we went to the park...and then I got busy preparing beef vegetable soup for the next day. (We'll just go ahead and call this a fail.)

Tuesday, October 12th

No WOD - *rest day*

I had my alarm set and then snoozed right on through the last early morning class. Wish I could say the extra sleep was worth it, but I didn't actually get any extra sleep. Fail.

Food:

Breakfast:
few strawberries, very few pecans
black coffee to hopefully make me a nicer person (or at least help me tolerate others)

Just don't feel like eating this morning. Tired and stressed.

Lunch:
Roast w/ carrots & mushrooms

Snack:
1 mandarin, 1 apple
few pecans

Dinner:
Shrimp seasoned with this fantastic little packet of chicken fajita seasoning I got in the bulk/"healthy living" section at HEB. Will stock up on this stuff.
1/2 avocado

Treat:
Paleo Candy Bars (coconut oil, shredded coconut, honey, pecans, cocoa powder)
*saved me from running out to Baskin Robbins like I wanted to do.

Didn't enjoy this day. Spent most of it being frustrated with all I have to do for work and school and at home and missed several opportunities to just give thanks and be grateful that I have so much. I take on too much and try to control it all and then am surprised when I reach the point of being overwhelmed. But the day ended well. Man-cub fell asleep in the car and stayed asleep once we got home. This is not the good part...I missed not getting some time with him....but I did check on him several times and smell his hair and kiss his sweet, soft cheeks. I made a quick dinner and sat down on the couch with Hubs and we finished a great little movie that we had started over the weekend... "City Island" with Andy Garcia and Julianna Margulies. Loved it. We ate our Paleo candy bars and were happy just to "be" for a little while. Laundry and dishes will always be there...the people you love might not. Take the time. You won't regret it.

Monday, October 11th

WOD:
"Redskins"

2 rounds cals (jumping jacks, shuffle splits, pushups, lunges, stretch)

50 chins buy-in (on the clock)

15 DB thrusters (25 lbs)
15 slam balls (10 lb)
15 burpees
15 knees to elbows

3 Rounds for Time

19:45

Food:

Breakfast:
mixed OJ/grapefruit juice
small portion of roast beef/carrots/mushrooms
black coffee

*feeling VERY run-down this morning....not enough sleep on Saturday night, went to bed too late Sunday night, awesomely rough Monday WOD.

Lunch:
roast beef/carrots/mushrooms
2 mandarin oranges

Snack:
raspberry yogurt covered pretzels...about 6 or 8 of them

*This was a conscious decision on my part...I know they're not Paleo. I also know I was in the middle of what turned out to be an hour and a half long trip through the grocery store with my child....bless his sweet and helpful heart. I was tired and hungry and fading and needed something right then. This is what I chose. And I'm okay with that.

Dinner:
small handful of pecans
few strawberries
OJ/grapefruit juice

Mondays sap me of all energy and I'm too tired to make an actual effort to have dinner.

NOTE: I do not track the amount of water that I drink, primarily because I think that one should drink as much as possible or as much as their body requires on any given day. I do not weigh or measure my food because doing so makes me anxious. The less anxiety I have, the better my experience with food and performance. So there.

Saturday/Sunday, Oct. 9th & 10th

Saturday:
No WOD

Breakfast:
Eggs w/ Canadian bacon
mandarin orange
mixed OJ/grapefruit juice

black coffee

Dinner:
Bigz single burger (sans bun) w/avocado, bacon, lettuce, tomato, pickle, lil' bit of kalamata mayo

1/2 baby watermelon

*HUGE win for me: I practiced extreme restraint in avoiding my boy's birthday cake. Go me.

Saturday night was ROUGH. Wes had a post-party meltdown right before bed. Then came the night terror (worst one ever) around 2:30 am. Neighbor girl's college party went until 6 a.m....complete with what sounded like a fight around 3 a.m., followed by random mid-street yelling. I'm starting to dislike her intensely.

Sunday
No WOD

Breakfast/Lunch:
Eggs w/ leftover roast, carrots, mushrooms
black coffee

Zoo day with family...packed a couple of mandarins to snack on. Also had a bit of beef jerky and a few sips of Hubs' Diet DP. And a kid size cherry limeade from Sonic. Should have planned more snacks.

Dinner:
Seasoned steak w/ guacamole
mixed OJ/grapefruit juice

Watermelon

Friday, October 8th

WOD:
"Jack"

2 rounds cals
2" double unders practice

10 push press
10 KB swings
10 box jumps

AMRAP 20"

6 rounds (55 lb push press, 35 lb KB, Rx box jumps for 3 rounds)

*Note to self: Next time we do KB swings, I will move up to the 45 lb. It will be hard, but this isn't supposed to be easy. Been using the 35 for a while and it's just time.

Food:

Pre-WOD OJ

Breakfast
eggs w/ ham

Lunch
baked chicken w/ carrots, garlic

Dinner
beef fajita meat, watermelon
my favorite mixed orange/grapefruit juices

Look Ma! I'm published!!.....sorta

So, at the start of the Dulce challenge, everyone had to submit a short essay explaining why they were participating. The other name for this is the "Look Better Naked in Six Weeks Challenge"....not at all off the mark. Because we all want to. Yes, even you.

But it's more than that for me. It's alright to be multi-faceted. Sure, there's the physical desire to look better, run faster, lift heavier, jump higher. But there's also that side that I so long neglected....the emotional one. I understand that a lot of what I write has a strong tendency to be emotional. I'm okay with that. It's authentic, and if it's not authentic then it's not worth doing.

My point is.....someone noticed. Someone noticed and made a conscious decision to write something ABOUT my words. The multi-syllabic ribbons that I put together in my head and then in visible form served as inspiration for another human being. And they told the world about it. I'm so awe-struck I don't know how to say exactly how I feel. I just know that it feels really good and it made me smile and cry and give thanks for this amazing group of people that have befriended me and brought me into their fold.

Please don't think that I do not appreciate the unspeakably kind and wonderful comments that I have received from my family and friends about what I write here in this little corner of space. I remember each one of them and go back to them any time I need encouragement.

What I am referring to is Rick's blog post on alamocrossfit.com yesterday. That's my essay that he shares. The only portion he so kindly and thoughtfully withheld was the part where I owned up to losing 5 years of my life to depression. Some people might not be okay with reading about that, but I'm okay with it now. I made my way out of those dark and tangled woods (not without the help of family and my dearest friends) and I can say now that I am truly living the sweet life.

Thank you, Rick. I cannot say enough about what this tribe means to me. Thank you for inviting me in. Por vida.

Here's the link to see for yourself (may have to cut and paste):

http://www.alamocrossfit.com/?p=3443

Thursday, October 7th

WOD:
"Chasing Tail"

2 rounds cals (jumping jacks, shuffle splits, slam balls, air squats, stretches)
3" planks

1 mile run
50 squats
25 power cleans (Rx 85 lbs)
1 RFT

15:19 (75 lbs)

*This WOD was AWESOME. Jared and I were the only two to show up to the 6:30 class, and I wouldn't have been there at all if I had rolled out of bed at 4 when I was supposed to. It was fun to do that, just the two of us. I never did catch him on the mile run like I planned,but he did holler back some encouragement in the third lap....always appreciated. At least my mile time was under 10 minutes, which is not great but pretty good for not having run a straight mile in many, many moons.

This was one of those WODS that made me slightly nauseous once I started the lifts, but taking them 5 at a time helped. I love it when I have to lay on the box floor for a good while at the end....it means I worked it. Fantastic way to start the day.

Food:

Breakfast
a few pieces of that wadded up sliced ham I found in the fridge (I was starving post-WOD...don't judge)
2 walnuts (would've been more but I discovered that nuts actually do get freezer burn)
mixed orange/grapefruit juice (these are Simply Orange and Simply Grapefruit...NOT from concentrate)

Lunch
roast w/carrots and mushrooms
mandarin orange

Snack
sm. handful walnuts

Dinner
I just realized that I didn't have dinner; hence the starvation that I woke up with on Friday....though I did enjoy a little more of that wadded up ham...just a few slices. Kinda nasty now that I think about it.
mixed orange/grapefruit juice
sparkling water

Wednesday, October 6th

WOD:
"Farmer John"
2 rounds cals
1" max airsquats (43)

15 chins
20 wall balls (10 lb)
200 m "farmer walk" w/ dumbells
4 RFT

24:24

I did the first round with 25 lb dumbells but my left elbow started throbbing and my 2 middle fingers lost feeling, meaning I couldn't grip. I can handle pain, but was afraid of dropping the weight and not being able to pick it back up and finish the walk. It sucks when the phalanges don't cooperate and now I look like a lil' weakling with my pitiful "15 lb" written next to my time. Boo.

Food:

Pre-WOD orange juice

Breakfast
eggs w/ ham
mixed orange/grapefruit juice
black coffee

Lunch
baked chicken, carrots, mushrooms

Snacks
2 mandarin oranges
walnuts
banana

Dinner
grilled shrimp, guacamole (avocado, kosher salt, white pepper, lime juice)
watermelon
mixed orange/grapefruit juice

Tuesday, October 5th

WOD:

Rest day (because I can hardly walk from yesterday's thrusters....should have gone anyway)

Food:

Breakfast
eggs w/ham and sausage
orange juice
black coffee

Lunch
baked chicken w/carrots and mushrooms (Bub can COOK!!)

Snack
2 mandarin oranges
cashews
watermelon

Dinner
Mama's roast w/carrots and salad w/cucumbers and tomato, dressed w/olive oil/lemon juice

Snack
grapefruit

Monday, October 4th

WOD:
"Major Bullfit"

2 rounds cals
400m run

75 power snatches
75 thrusters
(75/55 Rx)
Rounds of 12/12, 11/11, 10/10, etc. down to 1/1

Time: 18:26 (35 lbs)

I did Rx for the first round of 12, quickly realizing that this would not end well. Dropped 20 lbs off and did 35 for the remaining rounds. Should have gone with 45 because I know I could have. Next time....


Food:

Pre-WOD
2 oz. Simply Orange OJ

Breakfast
egg w/ ham
sm grapefruit
black coffee

Lunch
pot roast w/ carrots, mushrooms

Snack
13.5 oz Simply Orange OJ
sm handful of cashews (I am so not supposed to have nuts)
SF/GF turkey slices

Dinner
shrimp sauteed in olive oil and lemon juice, salad with pine nuts and yellow tomatoes and dressed with olive oil/lemon juice.
Mixed Simply Orange OJ/Grapefruit juices

Dulce Vida Challenge

I signed up for the Paleo challenge at Alamo Crossfit. I generally hate contests, but I know this is something I can do well. I know the Paleo diet and I know it works for me. The $1,000 prize at the end isn't a bad incentive, either.

As part of the challenge, we must keep both a food log and a WOD log every day for the full six weeks. I've been tracking everything in my colorful little excel spreadsheet, but I'm honestly running out of room. I like to make notes and excel can be a bit stifling when it comes to notes....my notes, that is. I make notes on everything, about everything....on the backs of envelopes, on post-its, on store receipts and the occasional napkin. It might be my way of talking to myself. I started to feel claustrophobic within the confines of the spreadsheet cells. I feel free here, so I'm just going to plop down and spill everything here and share it with whomever chooses to read this.

So, welcome. :)

Tuesday Feeling Sorry for Myself

Sometimes I suck at "mom." But at least I try. Yesterday, my little boy turned 5. But it was Monday, which meant that I had work and then class, and then work and then another class. I am just barely treading water this semester and feel like I'm about to go under any second, so I wasn't able to just skip it all and celebrate my little man for a day. I hate this. And I brought it all on myself.

Last year I made the (what now seems incredibly selfish) decision to go back to school. The spring semester was great....I made the Dean's List. I had wonderful professors and had a fresh interest in the material. Now I'm just burned out. I think I got overly excited about things and went into this at a full sprint and then ran out of steam. I'm tired. I go to bed at 11:00 pm and get up at 4:00 am and it's still not enough.

I told myself that I was doing all of this for my son. But that's not true. He doesn't care if I finish school right now. He just wants to tickle and play hide & seek and football and ride bikes. And I'm missing all of it. Someday soon he won't want to do those things with me anymore.

I'm overwhelmed. Spring will be better. I have to believe that.

It's not me, it's you.

Dear Sugar: I don't want to see you anymore. We're not good for each other....Actually, it's you that's not good for me. I will own up to my part in this unhealthy relationship, but you're the one who's going to leave. I get the house. You....get nothing. I'm not giving you one more inch. I will not spend one more dollar on you, not one more minute in your presence. You're toxic. You make me want more but then I just feel angry. You literally make it hard for me to breathe. You slow me down and make me doubt myself. Bottom line, you make me sad.

I lived without you, COMPLETELY without you, for thirty two days. I thought that would be long enough to break your hold on me. It wasn't. I thought I could go back for one more taste and be done with you, but no. Sucked in again.

Not any more. You don't get to win this one. It's over.

Not so much love,
L.