To my RHOoMIES, with love

This is intended to be a thank-you letter. Let's see how far off the path I wander before I actually get there.

I had surgery last Friday. It was a combo surgery wherein two surgeons agreed to tag team and allow me to only go under anesthesia once and incur facility expenses once and only require leave from work once. Very, very nice of them considering it took some adjusting of schedules and one no longer even offices in the Medical Center.

I developed two umbilical hernias while pregnant with Sunny. They only recently started to bother me so it was time to have them fixed. But motivating that was a visit with my OB/GYN. I finally wanted to talk about permanent birth control and her recommendation was to remove the fallopian tubes...a procedure that is "1000 million percent NOT reversible." She suggested that, if I wanted, it could be done in conjunction with the hernia repair I told her I knew I needed.

Pre-op appointments were scheduled and calendars were coordinated. Easy enough. Except for my heart that stumbled along sorely behind the process in my head. Yes, it's for the best. But it's also a quiet defeat. A dream laid to rest.

I had always wanted three kids. Sunny was only minutes old when Jason declared that we were done. Considering my difficult pregnancy with her, he said he was not willing to trade me for the possibility of having another child. I am emotional while he is the pragmatist. It's taken me four years to catch up with his thinking on the matter.

Last Friday morning I sat in the waiting room waiting to be called back to prep for my procedures. My name was called and I walked to the door and had my first encounter with peace for the morning. The sweet nurse who took care of me and who I remember so well resting her hand on my shoulder and whispering in my ear "I'm sorry for your loss today" almost twelve years ago was the very same nurse who stood before me calling my name on Friday morning. I've never forgotten her. She doesn't know that she serves as a bookend for my child bearing years. There at the start and there at the finish. I didn't have the words to tell her at that moment. I'll figure out a way. But in that moment I knew I would be alright. (I haven't even been able to speak about this part to anyone yet...even Jason. I lose my words every time I try.)

I busied myself with reading news, chatting with Jason, and texting with friends. The very last text I read was the sweetest prayer from my dear friend with whom I had shared my sadness over this surgery. She prayed healing for my body and my heart and I went into surgery with complete peace.

I came home to my daddy and mama waiting for me. They took care of my kids and fed my family. Gretchen brought me a pot of the most savory and healing chicken soup, always the first to jump in and help. Cassy brought lasagna and Caesar salad. (Jason's last meal, should he ever request one, will be Cassy Young's lasagna). Gen showed up at my door with a little gift of jams just to help me feel better. Carisa has texted several times to see how I'm doing. Shelby brought the most amazing spread my family has seen in quite some time (Wes had about four helpings of her chicken and rice...and that skinny kid hardly eats anything) and then I find Anna Clark standing in my kitchen with the most wonderful homemade potato leek soup (with bacon!) that I have ever tasted. And pasta salad. It was at that point that I just got overwhelmed. And I know that more is still coming.

I don't know how to thank you all except to just be open and share with you why this has meant so much to me. You all did this without even knowing how much I needed it. I have been a Christian for the great majority of my life, but I still have occasional crises of faith. Every once in a while I have to ask God to show Himself to me because I've lost my bearings and the lights are out and I just need to know He's still there. You all have been the hands and feet of Jesus to me this week, whether or not that was your intent.

Thank you all so much. You know how to love people well.