My mama. I can still feel your hands pulling my hair up into that perfect ponytail for track and field day, tight so it wouldn't fall. I can feel them as they stroked my forehead when I was sick and rubbed my back to wake me gently. I can hear you in the living room in the early dark hours of the morning as you prayed in whispers for us before each day began. I can smell the breakfast you would make for us everyday before school. And I can hear your sweet voice as you sat on my bed each night and went through the verses of "When mother tucks me in at night..."
I remember when Lynne and Paula painted that poem on a box for my baby shower and when asked to read it for everyone, I could only make it through the first line before bursting into tears. They had no idea that I didn't have to read it, I could recite it, as it had been our poem spoken every night since before I could remember.
Thank you for bringing me a coloring book and crayons when my labor was induced, because you know I color when I get stressed or scared.
Thank you for all of those little things you did to show your love for us as we were growing up. And thank you for all of those little things that you still do. Thank you for loving my Daddy. And for loving my husband. And most of all for loving my little boy the way you do. Thank you for loving my friends and always welcoming them into your home. Thank you for loving the neighbors that I don't like because they're cranky and bitter and speak hateful words. You see past their grumpy exteriors and into their private pain.
Thank you for teaching me that a little kindness goes a long way and that I'll catch more flies with honey than I will with vinegar. Those lessons have served me well when I have remembered them, and haunted me when I have not.
Thank you for keeping your sense of humor and sense of fun and not allowing the hardships of life to fade your beautiful smile. I love that you can laugh at questionable behavior and even engage in some yourself (....slingshots). I love that you want all of us to be together as much as we possibly can. And I love that you and Daddy came to each one of our kickball games last summer.....to watch your children (ages 33, 29 and 22) play together.....simply because you love us and want to be with us.
Thank you for always dreading the end of summer instead of telling people that you couldn't wait for us to go back to school, like all the other mothers did. Thank you for always telling me as I headed off to spend the night with a friend that if I ever needed you to come get me, you would....no matter the time.
Thank you for admitting when you were wrong and admitting that you didn't always have the right answers. Thank you for the person you were then, and the person you are today. Thank you for raising us to be decent and to stick together.
And thank you so much, so very much, for never giving up on me. I know I've made it hard these last few years. But I always knew that you loved me....and now I can feel it, too.
The older I get, the more I realize how much I still need you. Thank you for everything you have taught me. And thank you for thinking I'm perfect, even though you know I'm not.
I can't afford to buy you the things I really want to for Mother's Day. But I can tell you, or try to tell you, how much you mean to me. I love you, Mama. Thank you for everything you are to all of us.
Friday, May 7, 2010
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Sliding into home
I miss my friends. And I miss my family. I haven't gone anywhere and neither have they....it's the finding time part that's difficult. But it's not about finding time....it's about making time. "Finding" suggests something that is happened upon by accident, whereas "making" implies something done with purpose.
I have made a decision...several decisions, actually. What prompted this decision making extravaganza was the message that Randy delivered in church on Sunday. He gave me permission to slow down. This sermon series is called "Making Room for Life" and it's exactly what I need to hear. Sunday's message could truly have been written explicitly for me. The message itself centered around the amount of time that parents devote to kids' sporting activities....the ones that usually start when the kids are 3 years old. He said that upon registering their first child for soccer at the age of 5, he and his wife realized they were 1 or 2 years behind and feared their daughter would never catch up to the skill level of the other kids. Randy also noted that as they had more children and enrolled them in more sports, he realized that his life had been reduced to three things: 1) chauffering, 2) watching his children through a chain link fence, and 3) going to work to support all of these activities. There was no time left for family. He and his wife made the decision to reduce the number of sports and seasons in which their children played....which was fine with the kids (who pointed out that it was the parents who signed them up in the first place). This was not fine with the coaches. The Frazees were told that this was not a good idea and that it would affect their child's standing with the team. They stood firm and have not regretted their decision to put their family first.
I've often wondered about the affect that multiple kids' sports have on families....but more so on the kids themselves. Do they really build self-esteem? Or do they tear it down? Do these children become leaders among their friends, or do they become followers who can't think for themselves? I have witnessed first-hand the draft for Little League baseball. The DRAFT. We are talking about children here. And the parents who serve as their coaches. It has made me so sad to hear some of the comments that these "coaches" have made about players....kids who are 8, 9, and 10 years old. They are cold and cutting and not at all what I would ever want anyone to say about MY child. And then one day I realized that this really isn't about children at all....it's about the parents and their social status. If that's what is important to you, fine. But it's not important to me.
I've been thinking a lot about this since Sunday. I've been thinking about how I always have this rise of panic on pause just inside me, waiting to be triggered. I think everyday about what I need to get my child involved in so he won't be behind or so different from all the other kids when he goes to school. I worry about the fact that I'm not keeping up with other parents. I wonder if my mom or Jason can watch Wes while I go to class, or run, or something else that really only involves me. I'm always in a hurry....always. I fuss at my child and my husband when one of them is not moving fast enough. And while sitting there in church, alone in the midst of a thousand people, I realized......I need to slow down. This isn't a practice run for something bigger. This is life and we don't get a do-over....especially with our children.
What my child needs is not another activity. What he needs is his mommy's attention. I'm ashamed at the number of times I say "not now", "just a minute", "I can't right now, buddy", "I'm too busy" anytime he asks me to watch a movie with him or play frisbee or catch or read a book or color a picture....all of a sudden he's 4 years old. And eventually, he'll stop asking. How the hell did I get like this???????
I need to get to know my family again. If you were to ask me when we last had dinner together at our own table, I couldn't tell you. Our dinner table has been covered with books and laptops and scattered paper for months. And even before then, it wasn't a priority. So I'm dropping my summer class at school. There, I said it. Keeping it would mean that everyday I would work until 7 pm. That doesn't leave enough time for commute and dinner and playtime with the people who matter most.
Now, my child can still play a sport....if HE wants to. But our family will be priority. He doesn't actually want to play organized sports right now....he wants to play with us. So I'm going to MAKE time for that. Did you know that 70% of kids stop playing sports by the age of 13 because of burnout?? (Source: Michigan State University’s Institute for the Study of Youth Sports).
Randy and Roseann's son joined his dad onstage on Sunday morning and told of how his parents' decision has affected his life. He said that he doesn't do drugs, he completes his homework on time, and the only gang he's in is his family. I LOVED that. Because when my siblings and I get together, we're kind of like a gang. (Viva la Garsha!!!) People are always commenting on how great it is that we are truly such good friends....I couldn't agree more.
This summer I want to have unorganized sports nights with my family and other families. I want to have pick-up kickball games and water balloon fights. I want to see my friends again instead of always promising that we'll do something soon. I want to sit down and talk with people and actually sit back, not right on the edge of my seat because I have somewhere else to go in a few minutes. I'm going to get up earlier and watch the sun rise while I run (if I just really want to) and everyone else sleeps, leave work at a reasonable hour and have a homemade meal on the table and eat dinner with my family more often than not. My child has a love of music that I want to foster. If he wants music lessons, we'll get some music lessons. We'll go see live music shows and eat good food and make sun tea. And we'll make those cupcakes he keeps asking for. This might only be for the summer for now, but I hope it will be the first of many that my child will never forget. Let's play ball :)
I have made a decision...several decisions, actually. What prompted this decision making extravaganza was the message that Randy delivered in church on Sunday. He gave me permission to slow down. This sermon series is called "Making Room for Life" and it's exactly what I need to hear. Sunday's message could truly have been written explicitly for me. The message itself centered around the amount of time that parents devote to kids' sporting activities....the ones that usually start when the kids are 3 years old. He said that upon registering their first child for soccer at the age of 5, he and his wife realized they were 1 or 2 years behind and feared their daughter would never catch up to the skill level of the other kids. Randy also noted that as they had more children and enrolled them in more sports, he realized that his life had been reduced to three things: 1) chauffering, 2) watching his children through a chain link fence, and 3) going to work to support all of these activities. There was no time left for family. He and his wife made the decision to reduce the number of sports and seasons in which their children played....which was fine with the kids (who pointed out that it was the parents who signed them up in the first place). This was not fine with the coaches. The Frazees were told that this was not a good idea and that it would affect their child's standing with the team. They stood firm and have not regretted their decision to put their family first.
I've often wondered about the affect that multiple kids' sports have on families....but more so on the kids themselves. Do they really build self-esteem? Or do they tear it down? Do these children become leaders among their friends, or do they become followers who can't think for themselves? I have witnessed first-hand the draft for Little League baseball. The DRAFT. We are talking about children here. And the parents who serve as their coaches. It has made me so sad to hear some of the comments that these "coaches" have made about players....kids who are 8, 9, and 10 years old. They are cold and cutting and not at all what I would ever want anyone to say about MY child. And then one day I realized that this really isn't about children at all....it's about the parents and their social status. If that's what is important to you, fine. But it's not important to me.
I've been thinking a lot about this since Sunday. I've been thinking about how I always have this rise of panic on pause just inside me, waiting to be triggered. I think everyday about what I need to get my child involved in so he won't be behind or so different from all the other kids when he goes to school. I worry about the fact that I'm not keeping up with other parents. I wonder if my mom or Jason can watch Wes while I go to class, or run, or something else that really only involves me. I'm always in a hurry....always. I fuss at my child and my husband when one of them is not moving fast enough. And while sitting there in church, alone in the midst of a thousand people, I realized......I need to slow down. This isn't a practice run for something bigger. This is life and we don't get a do-over....especially with our children.
What my child needs is not another activity. What he needs is his mommy's attention. I'm ashamed at the number of times I say "not now", "just a minute", "I can't right now, buddy", "I'm too busy" anytime he asks me to watch a movie with him or play frisbee or catch or read a book or color a picture....all of a sudden he's 4 years old. And eventually, he'll stop asking. How the hell did I get like this???????
I need to get to know my family again. If you were to ask me when we last had dinner together at our own table, I couldn't tell you. Our dinner table has been covered with books and laptops and scattered paper for months. And even before then, it wasn't a priority. So I'm dropping my summer class at school. There, I said it. Keeping it would mean that everyday I would work until 7 pm. That doesn't leave enough time for commute and dinner and playtime with the people who matter most.
Now, my child can still play a sport....if HE wants to. But our family will be priority. He doesn't actually want to play organized sports right now....he wants to play with us. So I'm going to MAKE time for that. Did you know that 70% of kids stop playing sports by the age of 13 because of burnout?? (Source: Michigan State University’s Institute for the Study of Youth Sports).
Randy and Roseann's son joined his dad onstage on Sunday morning and told of how his parents' decision has affected his life. He said that he doesn't do drugs, he completes his homework on time, and the only gang he's in is his family. I LOVED that. Because when my siblings and I get together, we're kind of like a gang. (Viva la Garsha!!!) People are always commenting on how great it is that we are truly such good friends....I couldn't agree more.
This summer I want to have unorganized sports nights with my family and other families. I want to have pick-up kickball games and water balloon fights. I want to see my friends again instead of always promising that we'll do something soon. I want to sit down and talk with people and actually sit back, not right on the edge of my seat because I have somewhere else to go in a few minutes. I'm going to get up earlier and watch the sun rise while I run (if I just really want to) and everyone else sleeps, leave work at a reasonable hour and have a homemade meal on the table and eat dinner with my family more often than not. My child has a love of music that I want to foster. If he wants music lessons, we'll get some music lessons. We'll go see live music shows and eat good food and make sun tea. And we'll make those cupcakes he keeps asking for. This might only be for the summer for now, but I hope it will be the first of many that my child will never forget. Let's play ball :)
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