Where do I put this?

You ever have one of those days when someone says something that just gets so far under your skin that you cannot stop thinking about it for even one solid minute? It hits a nerve and stays there. And then you have to decide what to do with it....because it's not going to just go away. You're forced into a position of categorizing it, just so it will shut up and quit mocking you. You can't just stand there and hold it.

That happened to me this morning at the end of the 5 am class. Someone who shall remain nameless made a point of telling me "If there had been any more running, you woulda beat me....I'm so happy not to be last anymore."..... It stung at the time, got a little more inflamed as the morning wore on, and then full on raged for the rest of the day. (And for the record, I was NOT the last one finished....but this person has made more than one mention of beating me in the WOD time....Look, dude, it's not that hard. *insert eyeroll here*)

The question of just what I should do with this...this thorn, splinter, whatever nagging thing you want to call it...bothered me all day long. For most of the day I actually planned to go back and re-WOD with the 5:30 pm class, hoping to go faster and heavier than 12 hours before. But what if I didn't? What if as a result of fatigue I just wasn't able to? What if I crashed and burned and failed to best my initial time? Wasn't sure I could handle that failure on an emotional and mental level today. I was prepared to show up, child in tow, just to prove that I could do it AGAIN, but I think the poison had built up in my system during the day to the point that I was dizzy with a throbbing headache. I psyched myself out of it.

It's been a rough week in that regard...emotional and mental. School is wearing me down like never before. Work is so busy that I've begun to get confused on documents and who wants what and when. Jason's been sick. I'm getting anxious. And the only thing I really want to do is CrossFit, because now it's my therapy. I've cried more this week than I have in a long time. And I need to work it out.

I want to do it because I want to be proud of myself. I want my coaches to be proud of me. I want my husband to be proud of me. I want my son to tell kids on the playground "My mommy can beat up your mommy"....(I'm kidding....sort of). I want to not wear skinny jeans, not because my ass is too big, but because my quads are. We all have ridiculous little dreams for ourselves, only I'm starting to realize that maybe mine aren't so ridiculous.

I've taken a somewhat shy and quiet approach to the WODs up to this point. Stay in the corner, keep your head down, don't make too much noise and no one will notice you. No more. I'm emotional in everything I do and CrossFit should be no exception. What I've taken pains to internalize needs to come out. I'm still working out grief and anger and sadness. Let the sweat pour. And if I have to show up everyday 20 minutes before 5 am, war paint (read: makeup) on...because it makes me feel better, wrists taped, knee Biofreezed and ibuprophened, and fully caffeinated, I will. Enjoy those few weeks you had the pleasure of beating me. Because it won't happen again.

So, *unnamed person*, congratulations. Or maybe I should say thank you. Your flippant words sparked something. Now stand back and watch the fire rage. And try not to get burned.