A Letter to My Little Boy

My little Wes...

You're five years old. Five! And so filled with simplistic wisdom. Your curiosity, always wanting to know not just how, but why things work the way they do. "I don't know" is never an acceptable answer for you. If I don't know the answer, you want me to look it up, as if you already know that knowledge is something that must be sought out and gathered and taken in and made your own. You amaze me. And I wonder how I ever got to be so blessed. To be the one to answer when you call "Mommy." To have the privilege of tucking you in at night and waking you up in the morning....or more often, being awakened by your sweet, round face, your perfect nose just inches from mine, your five-year-old not-so-quiet whispers excitedly announcing the day.

I wonder if I will teach you the right things. I wonder if my example will be one that I would want you to follow, or one that I would caution you to ignore.

I wonder if you will listen to me about good music, or if you will lean toward the interests of your father. :) I wonder if you will always sing in the car the way you do now. Snippets of songs you love, played by request and repeated to your delight. I wonder if you will always put on little concerts for me, telling me specifically how you wish to be introduced and correcting me when my tone or volume isn't just right. I know you won't....I'm trying to soak it all in so I can one day say "Remember when..."

I wonder if I will always have a clear picture of you waving to me from your preschool classroom, one little hand adjusting your tiny glasses and the other sweeping the air with resignation, calling after me in the hallway to make sure I see you, to make sure I hear your reminders. I always do. And I wonder if I will ever think of this and not have tears that fall in audible drops.

I wonder if you'll always think I'm a "genius" or if someday I'll know nothing at all. I wonder if you'll always believe that I can answer all of your questions, that I can do anything, that I can always protect you.

I wonder if you'll ever know how I failed you in the first years of your life. That I screamed back at you in frustration when you were only three and how I hate so much that I can never take that back. I wonder if I will ever learn to accept the forgiveness you so readily offered and still do.

I wonder if you will always feel compassion for those around you. And I pray that you will always carry that light inside you, the light that seeks to shine upon others and brighten the spirits of those who feel forgotten.

I wish I could tell you that little part about sticks and stones and broken bones and that words will never hurt you, but the fact is that words will hurt the most. Blood dries and cuts heal and bruises fade, but the blows to your heart, your confidence, those are the ones that ache unseen...sometimes for years, sometimes forever.

I wonder if I'll ever really be the mommy that you so innocently believe I am....

I'm trying, baby. I'm trying.

For the Love of God, People.....Be Kind

I have to say this and it pisses me off. And it makes me sad. But other Christians embarrass me.

I am a Christian. I love Jesus. I really, really do. And by His grace (especially as evidenced in these last few years), I know that He loves me. But some people.....

My family and I were in a restaurant the other night and I saw another family at a nearby table be rude to their server. The poor girl was obviously moving as quickly as she could, but somehow their needs were greater than anyone else's at that moment. After they oh so unkindly reminded her that they needed extra lime for their beer, they all bowed their heads to pray.

Sometimes I wish I had the nerve to approach people, tap them on the shoulder, and say "Yeah, hi....don't be an asshole.".... I realize that I just used that word in the same post with "Jesus"....don't worry about it. The people who will condemn me for this are the same ones who think it's okay to embarrass a child in front of his classmates when a kind word of correction off to the side would have been all that was needed. Or speak condescendingly to a stranger while praising God on Facebook. Or judge a single mom when they don't know her story of grace, nevermind that it's none of their business anyway. Or pass along gossip by way of "prayer requests."

Stop it. Just stop it. I think if we would just stop and take a good, long, hard and truthful look at ourselves, we would see that what we really need is kindness. We want that for ourselves, but we can't expect it from others if we don't practice it. I believe that everyone has some sort of great wound. It might be one huge tragic event, or it might be a collection of little wrongs that were never made right, piled up over the days and weeks and months and years. Either way, there is a great need for each of us to know that we are loved.

Think about your actions. Think about the words you speak to and about other people. Think about how these things reflect upon you.

There's a quote out there and I can't remember it exactly but it speaks about how people will forget what you said and forget what you did but they will never forget how you made them feel. It's so true. There are people I dislike to this day because I remember how they made me feel in elementary school. That's for me to get past (...Hi, I'm 34), but I hope that people will remember me as kind....and if they can't remember me as kind then I hope they just remember me as quiet.

Unkindness Will Cost You, Even If You Don't Know It Yet

So much is changing right now. And finally, it's all for the better. As one who traditionally resists change with everything she has, it's nice to let go and support it all for once. Funny how at the same time I'm still going against the larger flow of things....continuing to make my own way but now being certain that I'm doing what's right and good and for the benefit of not just me but in support of those I love.

Embracing kindness.....I think that's where it started. Kindness has this wonderful domino effect. When you begin practicing kindness with yourself, you then unlock the ability to pass it on to others....beginning in your own home and spreading outward from there. Without meaning to sound trite, you begin seeing your world, however large or small it may be, through a new filter. The good glows with greater brightness and the bad....well, the bad just starts to stand out in ways you may have never seen before. It stands out to the point where, if not adjusted, it can begin to ruin the whole picture.

I've been weeding out the bad. Things that aren't necessarily bad for others, but bad for me. Things, people, places that were weighing heavily on my mind and spirit. Things that caused me what I thought were dilemmas, but once I cut them out all of that space just seemed to fill with joy and peace.

I struggled for months about things I had seen and heard....little unkindnesses that were thought to go unnoticed. I noticed them. I felt them. And the only decision that made me feel any better was the decision I made to withdraw my support and participation. It probably won't even be noticed....but I notice. And by making a difference for myself, I make a difference for my family and for my own little world.

The withdrawal of financial support might be the grown-up equivalent of taking your ball and going home. But so what? Sometimes it's the only way to say that you want something better. That you want a different way or a different method or a different outlook or different standards.

Resistance is not futile. Resistance builds strength. And with enough resistance, a real and noticeable and measurable difference can be made.

Know where your money goes. Research the things you support. Talk to people. Gather facts and ideas. If research isn't your thing, ask me to help. I'm pretty good at it. I have my own little boycotts and while they may not be noticed on a large scale, that doesn't mean they don't make a difference. I don't buy chemical-based cleaning products. I don't buy milk products containing rBGH. I no longer frequent certain establishments.

I seek out and support locally produced goods whenever possible. I would love to start a vegetable co-op with my neighbors. And I would love for there to be better choices in terms of deciding where our money goes. If you have a moment, please link over to a friend's new page at http://thenonprofitmanifesto.blogspot.com/ for some ideas and thoughts to promote discussion and action in the larger community. We actually can make a difference....and we can promote kindness and change the course of our society.

Profits and popularity should not be the beacons by which we chart our course. And we shouldn't depend on others to tell us what we want or need. We can determine that for ourselves if we just stop to think about it. And I don't think anyone ever said "You know, I wish I hadn't been so kind..."

Do something good everyday. It might make a difference to someone, even if they never know it.