Hiding and Seeking and Writing it Out

Sometimes I wonder what people think of me, knowing what they know based on what I write here. I wonder if they see me as damaged or messed up or fragile or just a few thoughts shy of normal. There are only a handful of people that I know who read these posts with regularity, the rest I have no idea who they are, what they think, or if it even matters. But I know they're out there.

I love it when I get feedback, even if it's just a word or two. It really does mean a lot to me. That someone would take the time to offer a few words in response to mine still surprises me.

I was excited to see that this blog is read in Canada, Russia, France and the UK. I'm international, baby! But conversely, it also made me a little bit (more) self-conscious. Because truly, these are just my thoughts, my ramblings, my insecurities put on display. Some of the things I write are intensely personal and I would never, ever be comfortable announcing them to the world with my actual audible voice.

So I hide. Behind my writing. Behind one photo. Even behind the name. (It actually does mean something).

But this, here, is my therapy. I've learned that sometimes it's okay to let someone else get close. I don't have to be pretty or perfect or poised. I make a lot of mistakes. But I think what compels me to say the things I need to say here is the thought that it might, just might, help someone...even if that someone is just me.

I write mostly about CrossFit....and loss. I know both. And believe it or not, one helps me deal with the other. I finally have a physical outlet for my emotional pain. I can't say that it gets better with each passing day. Some days are really good. And some days that pain swells and leaves me bruised on the inside. It's that internal pain that's hard. I can handle physical pain...it's easier and it goes away. To effectively turn myself inside out for others to see has been an incredible, rewarding, and healing experience.

I've been blessed to see that the posts that hurt me the most to write are the ones that end up having the greatest impact. I can see that by the number of times any one post is viewed. I wonder if maybe someone sees it, recognizes something in someone else they love and passes it on, just to let that person know that there is someone, some girl, that gets it. That thought stays in my head, but mostly I write them for me....to help myself heal, to work things out in my own language.

Thank you for allowing me to do that. And thank you for taking the time to look through these windows. I'm learning to leave them open and let the soft scent of friendship surround me. It's an incredible feeling.