A fine line between love and hate

I could be upset with myself for yesterday and today....but I'm not. Yesterday morning I was in a rush, as usual. Not getting in bed until midnight the night before meant ignoring my 4:15 a.m. alarm, which means I didn't make it to CrossFit. The 5:00 a.m. was right out and 5:45 didn't seem any more appealing. And 6:30 is just too late these days. So, good girl that I am, I packed a bag with clothes and shoes so that I could make the last class of the day straight from work. It would be great if said bag had actually made it into my car. :/ Boo. Fail. But I didn't get to leave work until 6:45 p.m. anyway....

No use being mad at myself for missing today either...I skipped my 8 a.m. Sociology class in favor of a couple of hours of sleep. Last night didn't work so well....I was up until 4:30 this morning and I have no idea why.

It's for weeks like this that I bought myself a 35 lb kettlebell online this weekend....and I'm ridiculously excited about it. Sometimes I just need to swing something heavy to make my troubles go away, even if it's just for a moment. And I kind of wish I could be there to see the scrawny little mail carrier haul it up to my doorstep when it arrives later this week. I bet they love those packages. Small and unassuming until you try to pick it up. :)

I also bought myself a band for assisted pull-ups....because even after seven months, I still can't pull my chin up over that bar without help. I will....I just can't do it yet.

I don't know what goes through other people's minds while they work out, but I'm working on things. Emotional things, spiritual things, and physical things. The longer I do this, the less the physical seems to matter....most of the time. But this week, I can't seem to shift my focus away from it.

I read an excellent blog post yesterday over on Paleo Chix. Aileen Ryan wrote about why she doesn't see the need to put herself through another strict paleo challenge ever again. And I think this might be why I couldn't sleep. The point of her post was that such challenges, when repeated out of fear, are not necessary. That hit me so hard. See, on January 3rd, I started my second self-imposed Whole30 strict challenge. Not because I wanted or needed to learn anything new from it....and I didn't realize this until yesterday, but it was out of guilt and fear and self-loathing....punishment for everything I put in my mouth over the holidays. Here I've been, preaching about how we need to be kinder and gentler and more receptive to our emotional selves....and this whole time, I've been feeding myself good, whole, clean food not out of love but out of self-hatred. That's just backwards!

I am absolutely not saying that no one should undertake a strict paleo challenge. Not at all. I believe that going strict (and I mean STRICT....no paleo-fying junk food here, people) for 30 days will reset your body so that it can tell you what it needs and what it doesn't need. But to do it again for the wrong reasons is just, well, wrong. I've been punishing myself with healthy food. That just does not make sense.

And on the other hand, I've been hiding from the gym. I know what some of the reasons are, but the others probably have a lot to do with the same self-loathing, guilt and fear. I'm punishing myself for not being where I want to be skill-wise by....not going?!? Seriously??? (Do you see how I work things out right here?)

That fine line becomes so clear at times. That fence I've been sitting on isn't so comfortable anymore. It never was. It's just a matter of deciding that it's time to jump off.