Judgment and Critical (Over)Thinking

Lizzie Neblett is pissing me off. And I had such high hopes for her. Maybe not for her exactly, but at least for my impressions of her. Based on what I've read so far? Not looking good. And the fact that she died nearly 100 years ago doesn't leave open the possibility that she'll redeem herself.

Thoughts of these Southern women stay with me. In order to successfully research and write this particular paper, I need to be personally invested. I've started thinking about why they wrote their diaries....and wonder if maybe it has anything to do with why I write here. I write so I can remember and wonder if they did, too. Years of burning that double ended candle have left me with a memory bank on overflow and details scattered without rhyme or reason. I can't stop long enough to collect the pieces and place them in a proper order, so they float as a collage of still photographs without dates or timestamps....misplaced moments.

I believe these ladies also wrote to maintain some level of sanity during their war-time trials. I write for the same reason....only my war is internal. Am I doing my best as a mother? Wife? Sister, daughter, friend? Is my best good enough or am I just hoping it is? Some of these women were clearly doing the best they could to maintain their families and homes and some (if only a little) sense of self. Others did not handle matters with such grace. I think I just figured out why I'm pissed at Lizzie.

Admitting that I have not yet read her diary in its entirety, I've already seen fit to judge her. Maybe that's not fair. But in my reading of secondary sources I have discovered that Lizzie abused her children. That's not okay. Ever. It is painfully clear in her writings that she feared childbirth primarily because of the associated pain and did not want to keep having children. I'm eager to find out if she included any real explanations for her treatment of her children and if my current view of her softens. The latter is not likely but I have to keep reading.

I think it's fair to say that Lizzie was a whiner. She grew up with a great degree of privilege and was accustomed to getting what she wanted, even when she wasn't absolutely sure of what she wanted. Seems she was just one of those people who needs something to complain about.

As compared to the other ladies' writings I am studying, Lizzie's betray a sense of selfishness for which I cannot find sympathy. I want to tell her to suck it up and quit bitching. And for the love of God, treat your kids with kindness! How must it have felt to know that your mother did not want you...did not want to care for you or provide for you or, of all things motherly, love you? A mother has the ability and the duty to shape and build her child's sense of worth. And oh, how we can fail.....