Sugar Mama

It's clear I haven't blogged in a while. (And by the way, I hate the term "blogged"....it just sounds dumb.) This whole "dashboard" thing where I write my posts looks totally different and I don't know where anything is anymore.

I don't really have anything profound to say, so I'll just tell you a little story about what happens when you eat things you know you shouldn't.

So, I'm about to start this great little sugar detox. Why? Because I have a massive addiction to sugar. I love it. Actually, I don't really. I hate how it makes me feel, and yet I still eat it. In increasingly gigantic amounts. That's what makes it an addiction.

Anyway, I decided to trek over to Whole Foods at lunch and invest in some quality nut oils and also some coconut butter. See how I was being all healthy and stuff? Well, just wait. I had this fantastic thought that since tomorrow I shall begin the process of detoxifying my addicted self, I should go ahead and get one last little (big) treat in. I wanted an ice cream sundae. Or a frozen custard sundae....whatev. This is where things went horribly wrong.

"I'd like an unsweetened iced tea (yay!) and a LARGE turtle sundae (boo!), please." I gazed longingly at the sundae as it was passed to me through the drive thru window. My mouth may or may not have made slurping noises. I pray it did not. The sundae was covered with a handy little clear plastic lid and I could see that the sweet little drive thru chick had packed it as full of custardy, chocolatey, caramely (it's a word) and whipped cream goodness as was humanly possible. I blessed her lovely self and drove away.

What happened next I totally deserved.... I removed said handy plastic lid only to lose my grip on the container and FLIPPED THE WHOLE DAMN THING into my console's cup holder!!! Gooey goodness went everywhere.

Crap. Not that anyone was watching or would totally scold me for enjoyment of this sweet treat (except for my brother....I choose to think that's because he loves me), but I was completely overcome with shame. I just dumped a LARGE turtle sundae all over the front console of my car. I couldn't have opted for the small....that would have been all too reasonable and self-restricting.

So I frantically started to clean as well as I could....with the ONE napkin the establishment had provided me. Awesome.

I then realized, "Hey! I missed my clothes! Yay!!" Not a complete fail after all. The one napkin was used up quickly so I decided to just let the mess be until I could get home and clean it up properly. But then my husband would know what I did. (Note: my husband has never judged me for my enjoyment of sugar. He doesn't have a sweet tooth, but he's content to let me have mine.) I started to feel ashamed all over again. Mostly for being completely inept but also for the sheer volume of sundae that now resides in my front seat.

As if all of that wasn't enough, it was on the return drive to work that I realized I have truly lost all control. A nice blob of caramel had flung itself onto the steering wheel. So you know what I did? I LICKED THE STEERING WHEEL. Yep. Sure did. Right there in front of God and everybody.

Yeah, it's time to get a hold of myself. I apologize in advance to any of you who must encounter me during sugar detox. Dirty looks and sarcasm are near certainties. Foul language is probable.

And once I'm over my sugar-loving self, I'll go back to being lovely and charming and judgmental about the contents of other people's grocery carts. Looking forward to it!