Stretch Marks

Seven months in and I'm already bigger than the day I gave birth to Wes. Why I thought anything would be the same this time, I don't know. Nothing ever is.

The differences are many. And precious.

We stretch to accommodate those we love. Sometimes they leave marks. We can't always remember the instant one mark appeared. But we can remember the time, place, circumstance, or happening in the grand scheme. A feeling. A week. A month. Or maybe just a year. One sliver of time that makes up the whole of our lives.

Over time they fade. Or multiply. Just depends on how accommodating we allow ourselves to be.

Since my little boy started kindergarten, I've found a new purpose for myself. These past few years of self-focus have come back around to show me that life is so much prettier....fuller, brighter....when focused on those I love.

Returning to school was good for me. I learned how to write again with the ink of my own voice. That alone was worth everything.

My initial panic at the thought of having to sit out another semester or two on my long and winding path toward that hollow and yet yearned for degree has been replaced with peace. Having another child is not an interruption. It's a continuation. A surprise blessing I never thought I would get to experience again.

I am nowhere near ready for her arrival. She has a big room, a wonderful room in our big and wonderful new house. It sits empty, save for the crib that lies on the floor in pieces and the rocker that my sweet friend so graciously passed on to me. I can see the fluid finish of what will be the mere beginning of her room in my mind. Peaceful and full of love. It's not there yet. But it will be.

If her walls are not the exact shade of turquoise I envision on the day she arrives, it will be okay. We can grow into her room together.

There will be time for me to return to the things I loved before. Reading. Writing. Lifting loaded bars and learning to run faster. But those things can be done in the dark of night, after I have tucked my children into bed with kisses and blessings for sweet and peaceful slumber. After I have looked into their eyes and witnessed their sparkle as they tell me they love me and mean it from the very depths of their hearts. After I have promised them from the very depths of mine that out of all the little kids in the world, I really did get the very best ones. After we have practiced our nightly readings of "Go, Dog, Go!" and "Brave Little Bear." And after I have rubbed their backs and watched their little bodies rise and fall with each sweet and restful breath.

And if after each day that has begun in the still dark of morning, making hot breakfast for my little family, preparing and packing lunches, creating the perfect cup of coffee for my husband, delivering my boy to school and my girl to Grandma's, working through the day, gathering them up again in time for dinner, playtime, bath and bedtime routines....if then I find that time for myself is cut short, I know I can stretch and accommodate. It's not that hard to do for those we love.